Currently DBing. My wife and have been married for 20 yrs and we have 3 beautifully girls, 18,17, and 12. My wife has filed for divorce we are currently living separately. We have been in and out of counseling 5 times over the last 19 years, sometimes for a couple of weeks and other times as long as 9 months. Each and every time we go to counseling, we work on my issues and when we get to her, the counseling stops because it’s either to expensive or she doesn’t want to go, or some other reason.
Our relationship started as a 3 year friendship. We used to laugh together and go camping, eat and go to the movies while we were dating and engaged. One of the main reasons I married Wife because of our friendship. After dating for 3months, we were engaged for 6 months and then married.
Over the last year and half, our marriage has been nonexistent. I’ve initiated trying to get us to go to counseling. We went once and it ended in cursing and threats of divorce from her. We could never go to counseling unless her conditions were met. ie-confess everything you’ve done, and then we can go. We have been living a negative script for several years. I think the wife of my youth is gone. Reading the article on marriage maps helped. Why didn’t any of our counsleors ever explain this to us over 20 years instead of shoving short term solutions to us? (Sorry couldn’t help it)
I snapped after my father in law died in 2016. He essentially told me right before he died that we would never be happy and we would end up like him an his wife divorced and remarried into a loveless marriage. It was like he was placing a curse on me and my family. Also my wife came to me shortly after his death and said that she was going to do whatever she wants with her sister and her mother because of her fathers death, meaning she was going to increase exposure of my kids to her childhood abusers (sister/sexual, Mom/emotional) And that’s exactly what she did. She took my kids over to her moms every weekend, without my permission. During this time, I cracked. I had an affair.
In addition, we were in a sex starved marriage, where we could go weeks or months at a time without any intimacy. No pats, hugs, or kisses (we haven’t kissed in 10 years and no sex in 3 years). This didn’t help things. Not trying to excuse at all.
So here I am and here we are. I’ve been working with a DB coach and getting some good feedback. Also am going to individual counselor and a separate pastoral counselor. I am also attending a men’s support group. Also have read over 15 books since the divorce filing since December. This was really a wake up call for me. In some ways I am hopeful, yet in other ways I am wondering if it may be easier to let it go. Because of my spiritual beliefs, I don’t condone divorce. Nor do I want to destroy my family.
We tried to go to a marriage counselor this weekend. Didn’t work out. The counselor was not marriage friendly. I found another that is mor marriage friendly and now W says she doesn’t want to go. Trying to unstick myself because I’m stuck.
