Oh, I found it. Part 3, and I think the last one to that extra long post.
One of the main problems you have had since she ended the A, is not knowing where you really stand. There is no wonder you would not show affection, if she is giving suspicious signs and we are telling you something isn't right somewhere. What I'm telling you is that if you believe she's being honest......and what you read on the board does not sound anything like the woman you have at your address, then either start acting as if you are working "with her" to piece the N back together, or start go back to implementing the 37 rules....as if she were still in an affair. Does that make sense? Probably not.
. I doubt it would make sense to me if I were in your shoes. I've said all along, you need to know where you stand in this relationship. You don't want to put up your source of intel. That's fine. But I'll tell you something I don't think I ever have. To me, it appears that whenever she is showing some suspicious behavior, it's as if you agree to a point, and then you suddenly decide you don't want to know. You'll say, "I'm not going to put up the surveillance", kind of like denial, as if you seem afraid to know the truth.....and although it's rare, you get just a little defensive about it. Nobody is telling you to get intel, if you don't want to know. I'm not pushing you to do it. I'm just making a point that I've seen you do this on occasion. IMHO, it's b/c you told her to never contact OM ever again......but maybe you didn't lay down a plan or stipulations of what else she would need to do in order for you to stick with her in a MR.
I think you were too easy and didn't require the kind of transparency from her to earn back your trust. Therefore, she hasn't had to, has she? Am I forgetting something? When I tried to tell you how important it was for both of you, I got the idea you were afraid to push the transparency with her......b/c at that time, you were too afraid of losing your M. Anyway, I think that's one reason that you have felt the insecurity and uneasiness, especially when she would not wear her ring, and some of her questionable actions.
Successful piecing is the hardest thing to accomplish, and when you don't have more than a lot of guess work about where the MR stands, and only a running list of pros & cons about her behavior........how can you expect to move forward and have the loving relationship you so badly want? Too many H's are too quick to settle for the WW just ending her A and nothing else. By the time they realize they need something after the A in order to have a real M, they have waited too long. By now, she knows she does not have to give much, in order to maintain the benefits she receives from the M. So, it will be a lot harder than it would have if you had laid it out when you told her no more contact with the OM. This is why I go around grandma's house trying to explain some of these very recent posts, b/c I am so concerned it will throw you into a tizzy. I am right there with you, as for wanting to believe she has been truthful with you. I have to say that she "sounds" very convincing in her last conversation. That's another reason I wish Artista would give her viewpoint, b/c I have become somewhat emotionally attached to your stitch and really want to believe your W is being sincere. I had the same feelings with Coconut's stitch, as well as some others.
Actions will tell. I believe women tell the true story in their attitudes. Just remember to look for actions, words, and attitudes to line up with each other. When they do, then she's really ready to do the work. I'm not saying it will be easier, but at least, you'll know where you stand.
Again, apologies for any duplicating I've done in the past three posts. You all can sigh a breath of relief now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
