WW, A ended, but struggling to reconnect (My 11th)

[sandi2]

Okay, here is part of that "long post". First off, I just want to ask you if you feel she is being genuine in the things she told you......like proceeding with working on the MR? I really wish Artista would jump in here, b/c in some cases where the couple is piecing; it gets a little difficult for me to decide if she's on the up & up. It would help to have another former WW's opinion about where they see your at this time. As Artista has stated, she had more than one false start. Frankly, I don't really know....but, I believe her actions and attitude will have to be your meter.

From the time your W ended her A, I don’t know if you feel that she has actually said all the things you wanted to hear from her. All we can do is to tell a board newcomer what his WW “should” say and do. We can tell him what he needs to require from her, before reconciliation is likely to be successful. However, it doesn’t mean she will actually form the sentences quite like we suggested. But if she is just willing to save the M, then a good MC could guide her about what her H needs to hear and see from her.

IMHO, you have not had what you needed from her to give you a better sense of emotional security. In other words, you still don’t know where the MR stands. She has shown more than just civility; has had very enjoyable times with you; does little things that show a measure of consideration; and pursues you by initiating phone calls every day. In several ways, the relationship appears to be better than it has in quite some time. As common with WW’s……even recovering WW’s, they want the friendship side of the M. And when they are reconciling, coming together and improving the MR, friendship is needed. However, the lack of physical touching each other seems to be the elephant in the room. As with most LBS’s, you want the physical affection and the sexual intimacy. Those desires are normal, but until there is effort placed in these extremely important areas….…how can you feel the MR is complete/whole? There is a huge gap between the two of you, and until someone starts moving in closer, the hole will continue to exist.

I’ve already discussed the importance of starting non-sexual touching. I think someone referred to this like playing chicken, to see which one would make the first move. Maybe I’m wrong, but if there is absolutely no touching whatsoever……I doubt there will be intimate touching for a while yet. It has become too unnatural for you. I really think you need to see your IC about it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there is something “wrong” with you. I believe it is the result of everything you’ve previously explained. Although it is suppose to appear as just a normal, everyday non-sexual touch…….it really has to be an “intended” action on your part, until the awkwardness goes away. Make sense?

Now before someone starts shouting, “Don’t pursue”, I want to explain something. Once you are in piecing, you have to carefully change your position or mindset from being the LBS. I don’t mean change your values or stop your improvements and fall back into your old habits. I just mean that you should show your spouse that you are trying to meet them part way in restoring the MR. One of these steps is non-sexual touches, to showing signs of affections, to engaging in sexual touches. If your W is being genuine about commitment and wanting the MR to work……then she needs just as much encouragement as you. And, she especially needs it from you.

If I were to ask her what she was seeing in Jim’s demeanor, what do you think she’s say? How do you think she felt when she’s intentionally reached out to touch you, but you haven’t shown the same initiative? Does she see you as stand-offish, cold, punitive, hurt, or fearful? You mentioned how she is sensitive about her weight gain. Have you considered how she may emotionally link your hesitancy to touch her with her physical weigh? Yes, I know you think she is beautiful. But it’s what you do that makes her feel beautiful. Considering the relationship has been a SSM, and the more you resist even non-sexual touches, the less chance for a happy, successful MR, IMHO. I have mostly referred to non-sexual touching, but I think we could include a good-bye hug in the mornings……don’t you? You don’t have to stand around with your hands in your pockets, and trying to think of something to say………just head for the door and turn around and give her a quick little friendly hug, with maybe a little pat on her back. Then leave. Don’t make this so complicated.

You see Jim, if your W is being honest with you, then you are not in the position of a LBH. You are a H in the position of piecing the M back together. When you are in piecing, you need to adjust a few things you were doing from the position as a LBH. For an example, you said you have continued to be the first to end a phone conversation with her. If her behavior is belittling, disrespectful or unbecoming in some way, then that’s fine. However, if she is not acting like a b’tch, and she’s not resembling a GGW, or acting out some form of rebellion in other ways…….I think the H should not be so quick to be the first to end the conversation when his W has been the one to initiate the call. Remember, I am talking about a couple who has reconciled and she is behaving herself, okay? Your problem is that you don’t know where the M stands. You have not known if she was even committed to working on the MR. So, it leaves you in a rather puzzling situation as knowing how to interact with her. Unless you feel that she is not being honest, I suggest you wait for her to end the call (if she has been the one to initiate it) and just see if you can tell more warmth from her. It doesn’t hurt to play a little hard to get, but when piecing, I think being the one to end the conversation when she initiated the all, could be seen as cold or punitive. So, in this previous 180, you might want to determine who ends the call according to what her meter registers.

I don’t mean to confuse anyone here. Up until her recent conversation about commitment, I don’t think I have specifically mentioned your position in piecing. Mainly b/c things just looked “ify”. I was seeing things in her that concerned me, and until I hear more updates…….I don’t want to jump too far ahead. For some people, commitment means showing effort, but for others, it doesn’t. IMHO, you should see some immediate show of effort from her, if nothing else but to help your feelings. But, if she puts off seeing the MC/IC……then step back. If she’s all talk and no action, then something is still off with her. And look, it took me nearly two years before I felt as if I was “ready” to show some effort……..so I don’t want to sign you up for piecing too quickly, KWIM? I had a lot of stuff I was dealing with. And when I say “to show” effort, I mean that with a humble W there is (or should be), at first, an unseen work that is going on in her heart…….if she is being honest/real about saving her MR. If the work is being accomplished in her spirit, then outward effort will come more naturally for her. It’s when she holds back to that old wayward mindset that will prevent progress in her. So, the H has to exercise patient for a while, but I don’t think he should just “settle” for a limbo existence for the rest of their M together.

If you have not read the book on love languages, I want to encourage you to do it right away. When a couple speaks in opposite languages, communication is bound to cause problems. The book on the five basic love languages is really an eye opener. It would be very smart to know the things to do that actually speaks love to your W.