I didn't want to give any thoughts about the childcare side of things, as I don't have children and don't feel qualified to say anything about that, but the thing that jumped out at me straight away was the 'we need to do everything together, anything less is unacceptable' felt like quite a controlling thing to say.
This seems to be quite a common feature of S who leave (maybe particularly those that have been having As as well). You probably know all this already. And I'm guessing it's going to crop up in various guises and over time.
The XW of my partner (they've now been separated 7 years and D for maybe 5 years. She had an A) said to him a couple of months ago 'if you lose the dog I'll kill you. It's like a child to me'. We were taking his daughter and her dog for a walk in the hills. The dog has run away a couple of times in the past when it's been off the lead.
He didn't react to what she said in front of her, I reckon he's become a master of non-reacting. She probably didn't even consider/think/notice what was going on his side of things, but he was really upset and angry privately. And it had the effect of him wanting to keep her at arm's length even more.
