No human is ever perfect. No R is ever everything.
As Jelly says it's work and play.
Zues has the gift of directed anger, some of us work from other emotions, mine is fear. Jelly from sweetsadness. I think yours is from disgust of yourself, of XWH, of L......
Lol. I think you might be right. Its my motivator. Im driven from negativity. It fits! But maybe not a good thing.
It's ok, it's who we are. Our nature, our composition.
Addiction is a dark hole, secretive addiction is a dark hole to hell. Addicts put the addiction first in their lives. Once they cross that Rubicon there is no going back, they are addicted forever.
Addiction in its initial stages is a choice, they choose to use a substance, a behaviour or a ritual. It is their need to involve their soul and body in self indulgent destruction.
Ironically the happier their prospects the more likely they are to indulge to destruction.
Why is this? Its so sad. Truly. My ex had so many great things about him. He was 6'4, super smart, had a great education. But i no longer feel that I ever knew who he really was. I was living a lie for a really long time. I dont even know how long! I dont know my own reality! What was the real him? Who was he? I often feel horrible for him. I do love him still. But then I get so mad at how he treated me.
No other can make an adult an addict. In fact I would think your presence slowed the disease process not encouraged it. Once the addict is gripped fully by the addiction then that comes first. Hiding the addiction shows deep shame of it and self. It's wasteful and you have done the right thing by your child in limiting overnight contact.
Thank you V. I never thought that perhaps him being with me slowed down the disease process. That is really a different way of looking at things. That were it not for me, he could have fell down that hole earlier. Many of his friends were alcoholics and druggies. One of them had OD'd right around BD time. I never knew that friend though and did not know he was still in touch with him. When he was with me, he was not with them. But then later resented me because he felt like I kept him or was trying to keep him from his friends.
I know what covert addiction can do to an R. Even an open addiction can damage. In that you will have to trust me, I walked 12 steps with the addiction. And the addict resented me more for wanting him clean of gambling, smoking, drinking and womanising, being clean requires a lot of strength and boredom. It means releasing love and being a non addict. Being loving in that phase pushed the addict away, made him go more underground.
Your xWH isnt a special snowflake sort of addict. Addicts are exclusively the same, addicted to destruction. You can't love that away, being a better partner would likely have sped up the destruction. And letting the addict continue with the addiction which is what they want is enabling.
I never would have enabled had I known. I think he knew that too. I really trusted him. I didnt know the signs of addiction to even know what to look for. I need to learn more about covert addictions and what they do to relationships. It was why I started IC. I just dont know what was gaslighting, and whether my own reactions and feelings were unfair out of line , or just screaming banshee
Who knows if new guy is the one, who knows if it will last, there are no guarantees in it. It is great to work on your R skills, I say this often to myself but as yet don't have your courage or Jelly to get into a new R.
Four years on this March since BD1 and still not ready. In this I am like Zues I do believe that an M is for life and that it takes work. I just don't want to choose another abusive R and don't trust myself.
I dont know if it is courage. I am not exactly being a vulnerable partner. I just always wanted a family unit. And I am afraid to wait too long. I too believe that a marriage is forever. I am sad that my future will not be with my ex husband. That I am not raising my son with my ex. But this was not my choice. I would have stuck by my ex through this disease because he was my family. He never gave me that choice. He villified me and projected and left. He never waivered. There was never temperature checking, or mixed feelings for me. He was cold and done for the most part.
You are doing great Ju. And it's ok to be cautious and it seems to me your stance is right for this phase of R.
