I have not talked about this but to a few trusted people. The first year of my relationship with my new lovely person was filled with doubt and trials for both of us. We both had much to heal in ourselves from our previous experiences with our exes. There was much self doubt mostly manifested in "am I good enough for this person", and what if I "f **k this up again". These self doubts saw me unwittingly test my person at times I pushed him away repeatedly; he tested me and us with his desire to be superman sharing little of his pain and never wanting to be vulnerable, to not be Mr Right, Mr Perfect.
I can totally understand the not wanting to be vulnerable again. That is me. I am ashamed of myself for the amount of begging and lack of pride that I had after BD and I never want to be that person again.
This will sound cliché for sure, but it was through the hardest first year of being together that we actually supported each other with healing from our previous relationships. Ok ideally we would have done this before entering into a new relationship, but you know what, no matter how healed you think you are from your last relationship, there are still painful FOO's and residual relationship patterns and temperaments and personality traits to influence any relationship. You're going to make mistakes in your next relationship JujuB. Some big bad ones at times, let me tell you, and those mistakes will be some of the ones you made with your ex and some will make you question your commitment, resolve and love for this new person. They make you question yourself and your ability to be better and do better.
Great points.Not being vulnerable certainly slows that process down perhaps. My ex was annoyed with and always ignored my needs. I was very clear cut in communicating them to him and it was taken as criticism and nagging. Now I dont voice my needs. I am very cool and easy to get along with. No demands. I dont even know what my needs are. I know thats not ideal for a new relationship
We are both starting relationships now with either baggage or experiences. I guess it depends upon how one sees it, Which makes it harder in some ways..we are more cynical, and less willing to be vulnerable. But also easier. We are more self aware and perhaps wont take things for granted as readily
With all the above said JujuB this divorce process changes ]you, you can't not be changed by what you have experienced. As Lady V says once you know you can never unknow. The JujuB you were, whoever she was really doesn't exist anymore. Forgive her for what did and didn't do, what she couldn't fix. She served you JujuB, her job is done and it is time to let her go. Please find healing where you can, have some peace, drop the rope to the past. You really are done with it. There is nothing to find there anymore. Your new life is forward not back.
Thank you Jelly. I know this is great advice. It is hard for me to let go. I am not indifferent towards ex. Ending a marriage with my ex was never something I wanted. I wanted my future to be with him. And I was really unhappy and frustrated with our relationship.
As for trusting that there is a good man out there for you to partner with and share love and life. Only time will tell. But what I do know and I think I have said this previously, and I hope a lot more eloquently in other threads of mine. JujuB, this divorce process is layer upon layer of grief and loss, until it's not. It knocks your self confidence and sense of self like nothing ever will. We lose a sense of certainty about ourselves and about the world. Prior to this process we somehow in a god like sense of ourselves thought we had far more influence over our circumstance and people than we actually have. We were left vulnerable and smashed, some of us in tiny little pieces. You have however survived to tell the tale.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!! This is perfectly expressed. Why do we care and they dont though?
I have been fortunate to meet someone who has helped me scoop up all those little pieces and quiet frankly as long as we are loving, committed and peaceful with each other, he cares not one bit if I stay broken forever. I have met a person who believes in unconditional love and commitment. You know the type of love that Zues talks about, the person who stays and accepts that not everyday is Valentine's Day.
I am so, so happy for you! Broken people are able to empathize better. They have better insight and understanding. They dont get swept up by the little things. So it makes sense that he would love your brokenness because without it, you would not have those qualities that attract others to you...sensitivity, humor, depth, the ability to get down to that core and identify yours and others truths.
Is vulnerability the same as honesty? I think I am afraid to be vulnerable and thus not my honest self
The key to it all JujuB is vulnerability, all good relationships flourish where yourself and other are prepared to expose yourself. Your description of detachment about yourself continues to convey the sentiment of what we have discussed on prior occasions. Intimacy and vulnerability scare you. And what I am learning is you cannot truely connect with the other, the partner you seek without it.
Very, very true.
What do we share in common, our love of emotionally unavailable men. They keep us safe from truely experiencing ourselves, they deny us opportunity to be vulnerable and intimate (like true intimacy). My experience of you JujuB is that you are very comfortable with vulnerability in certain places and about certain things. But intimacy within a romantic partner relationship appears to have been elusive to you.
What does it even mean to be emotionally available? I am very honest. Im just not sure how to be emotionally available. I googled it and a lot of the descriptions of emotionally unavailable people could have been attributed to ways I was with my ex. Before BD. Was it because my needs were not getting met first and I was reacting. Or was he responding to me? Which came first? Thats what I am not sure of.
There are a couple of books I believe would help, one by Brene Brown and the other Natalie Lu. I'll pm you the titles. These books opened my eyes to some personal patterns that were stopping me from truely loving myself and someone else.
Thanks. Yes would love them!
Keep posting JujuB, i feel like you are at the beginning of something!
