Boundaries are the boundaries of the individual setting them.
Think of yourself as a small district. There will be parish boundaries, town boundaries, city boundaries, area boundaries, country..... etc
That is your area to control.
You enforce your boundary by taking action when an invading army comes in.
So it's about what you do not the other.
Boundaries are fluid too, I let my mother who had dementia past my boundaries when no one else was permitted. You may be lax with your child if they are ill.
You choose where you set your boundary and for whom.
Your boundaries should be clear and delineated in advance. They are pretty useless if no one knows or they are unreasonable.
Remember to enforce your boundaries then you take action and control. The only one whose actions you control are your own.
You can state your boundary and the consequences of crossing it. Remember those boundary enforcements must be capable of being enforced. Threats won't cut it, if you say X then X must happen.
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So here is an example from my interaction with the G
G on the phone to V: you are f***** useless, how can you get lost? Typical you, incompetent sl*t
V on the phone to G: you are swearing at me. If you continue to swear at me then I will hang up.
G: stupid idiotic c*** you can never do anything right
V: hangs up
G: rings back are you going to pick me up then?
V: are you going to swear at me? If you do then I will hang up for 2 hrs
G: what the f*** are you saying? You **** pick me up or there will be problems
V: i am hanging up for two hours now, if this continues then I will not be available for 8 hrs and then you will need a taxi
G: f off then
V: hangs up, does not pick up G
Finally ends up with V ceasing to talk to G on the phone
Boundaries, these are V own actions and choices. Stated in advance and enforced.
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So you can set boundaries for the behaviour you can enforce. So if I hear you talk to OM on the phone I will......
What can you do? What can you enforce?
I will record it? I will play loud music? I will walk away?
Whatever it is must be your action of enforcing.
However if you talk to OM whilst we are driving in my car then I will stop and let you out is enforceable.
I will cease to pay your mobile bill is enforceable.
There are many ways to enforce a boundary, physical force is not one of them. Get your ego out of the way. Enforcing boundaries is practical not emotional. It works better if the other sees you mean business without malice.
Hope that helps
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Just got home and she’s being very distant. I’m trying to keep to myself but it’s hard seeing her and not being able to talk. I miss talking to my wife, it’s amaz how one day things seem cool then the next we are like mortal enemies. There is so much anger in her, I noticed she’s no longer wearing her engagement ring only her wedding band. I guess she’s transitioning to wearing nothing. Today I feel like giving up and just moving on, seems pointless to continue this way.
Well man I think these forums tell the future, the description and patterns of WW are spot on. For example, one of Sandis rules says don’t ask them where they are going. Sure enough I’m sitting here with all the kids it’s almost 9pm and she’s getting ready to go out. She’s never done that ever. She quickly gives my daughter a kiss and says I’ll be back going out for a bit. She’s either meeting up with her OM or is trying to test me and see what I do, since I tracked her before, but I’m don’t with all that. I didn’t say a word and she walked out the door. Who is this person? Simone has posses my wife this isn’t the person I married. The OM must have her seeing butterflies and rainbows. I know I’m a good person I’m smart decent looking and successful, I’m sure I won’t have a problem dating once I’m ready for it. I’m speechless, she’s gone dark.
Please go ahead and research limerence It should give you a greater understanding on what's happening in the mind of your WW, once you understand this you can better manage your situation.
Here for you as we all are.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Please go ahead and research limerence It should give you a greater understanding on what's happening in the mind of your WW, once you understand this you can better manage your situation.
Here for you as we all are.
Mark.
Wow, just looked it up and describes my WW to the T. She ended up coming home last night at 1am. Even with all that’s happen, almost getting caught red handed knowing what I know, she still took the risk again to be with the person. It does start to look like some sort of mental disorder and now I understand why the advice is to get out of the way and let it play out on it’s own. It just makes me so angry how she’s so callous and cold hearted but she’s addicted to this.
I really feel bad for her. She’s trying to act like it’s not a big deal this is what she wants, I’m the devil. But I can tell it’s all a front, this limerence has take over her mind and I doubt she can do anything but think about what she’s going to do next with OM. She’s the mother of my daughter and I don’t want her to be ill, but at the same time her disrespect and anger towards me makes me want to throw it right back at her. It’s like someone described it, she’s an addict and is not the same person. May she find peace.
Yesterday I had a bad day, she was gone all day left me alone with the kids and didn’t say a word I fought all of my impulse not to ask where was she but I broke down and asked my step son (24) if he talked to her. I kinda suspected he did since I was with our DD(4) and I couldn’t imagine her not checking up on her. So went to him and asked him not to betray me, since I felt they were covering for each other. Read my original sitch for the details. Anyone he didn’t like that he said he already told me he wouldn’t do that and says that it was getting annoying because I’m looking for “something” that wasn’t there in regard to his mom having an OM. He says he has no proof and he asked her point blank. I should have dropped it, I know the rules about not involving friends and family. But I couldn’t so I tell him about the recording I had of her telling someone on the phone “I love you babe” and he got more angry telling me to leave him out. So I stoped and apologized for getting him involved. It was a rough day, I didn’t see her all day and i cried, I really miss her. I didn’t say anything to her and the next morning I played it cool we talked briefly about my DD homework and I left for work later I texted about some bills and that’s it. It’s really hard being in the same house with her, I’m trying to GAL, I’m exercising and Wed I’m leaving out of town for 4 days. I know this takes time, I just haven’t seen any movement from her side. She met up with my Best Friends wife and she tells me that they talked and that my W says she’s made up her mind, but my friends says she wasn’t convinced by the ways she was talking. I want to tell her I’ll do what it takes, but I think she already knows that. I need to give her her space and be done, no expectations and focus on myself. It’s just really hard with her in the house, how can someone that I’ve none for so long become a complete stranger?
Well, I’m going through up and downs one day I feel stone and confident and the next I feel frail and insecure. I think she’s playing games with me leaving anot saying anything waiting to see if I’m following her or not. I’m not, I’m curious to know what’s she’s doing but I don’t have the energy to follow her. I keep wanting to know the Whys, but as others pointed out that really doesn’t matter and I’m probably not going to get an adequate answer. I’m starting to believe she will never be truthful, I don’t think I can be with someone like that, I’m so disappointed in the person she has revealed herself to be.
I know some will tell me that it may be best to that route, to drop it and move on, stay away from looking for revenge and trying to answer all the “why” questions. But I feel so betrayed by all of this and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I feel like she’s getting away with murder. The OM has a official job that relies heavy on integrity and honesty. I feel that if I have my L depose him, he will sing like a bird. I treated my W with love and respect and in turn she stabbed me in the heart and continued to twist with the lies and gas lighting. I want closure, not sure if this will do it, it may not but I’m angry and I no longer want to be disrespected.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/04/1807:55 AM. Reason: threads merged
I know some will tell me that it may be best to that route, to drop it and move on, stay away from looking for revenge and trying to answer all the “why” questions. But I feel so betrayed by all of this and I’m having a hard time letting it go. I feel like she’s getting away with murder. The OM has a official job that relies heavy on integrity and honesty. I feel that if I have my L depose him, he will sing like a bird. I treated my W with love and respect and in turn she stabbed me in the heart and continued to twist with the lies and gas lighting. I want closure, not sure if this will do it, it may not but I’m angry and I no longer want to be disrespected.
I fail to see what it is going to do for you. How is her admitting to the affair going to help you heal and LET GO?
My first post tells you to believe nothing she says. So I guess you dont believe me.
You think you can trust something she says or her OM? They are lying, what more do you need to know?
You have been betrayed, sorry that has happened but their are thousands of stories like this here, we have all been betrayed. I do not think this is going to produce the results you want.
