Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[artista]

After no response from me on the issue all day, XW sent me a response asking if I wanted a schedule change for the weekend swap. Before I was able to respond, she sent another message asking "Are we going to switch weekends or not?" Like a spoiled kid being forced to cooperate So we agreed on the weekend swap. And it's done. I wonder who got to her.

(FYI, all of these messages are happening on the website we use to communicate with each other. It is viewable by the court if the case is ever revisited)

perhaps realizing that the messages are viewable by the court got to her... perhaps she ran it by a friend... anyone (except some WWs and WHs) could see that she was being unfair...

adelante--

--artista

[Holding]

Need some advice on whether I'm doing the right thing with "coparenting".

(I put that word in quotes because I freaking hate it. "Gee, maybe if we give it a nice name, it'll be less awful." Let's call it what it is: parenting when divorced.)

Anyway, a few days ago S15's teacher called at the house (my house) asking for us to call her about his recent performance in class. I sent XW a message on the messaging website letting her know about the call and passing along the teacher's number. Then the next day I called the teacher myself and talked about the issue with her. Later in the evening (after the school day was over), XW messaged me asking when we could do a conference call with the teacher. I responded that I wasn't aware we needed to call the teacher together, and I'd already talked with the teacher. I offered to give her a recap of the convo if she'd like. Otherwise she's free to call the teacher herself.

XW has sent me a message sarcastically thanking me for including her, and how she takes issue with me doing things solo because it makes her appear as an absent parent. Then she went on about how we're coparenting and need to do everything together.

I can see her point of view to a degree, but I think it's ironic that she's throwing an accusation at me after she asked me not to make accusations to her several days ago.

So how am I supposed to manage this? Was I a bad "coparent" by making the call solo? We've never discussed that we need to do these things together, and I haven't kept any information from her.

I admit there's room for improvement here and finding a new equilibrium, but d@mn, I can't deal with the attitude!




One more thing: In XW's message to me, where she said we're coparenting and need to do everything together, she finished with "Anything less is unacceptable". She loves to use that word.

[Verum]

I think you did fine. You let her know. The incident didn’t rise to the occasion of requiring both of you involved. If you were happily married, would anything be different?

I think you should speak with the W about what co-parenting means to both of you.

I also hate the word co-parenting!

[artista]

I would just responded, "well, now I know..."

There is room for improvement. But she could approach you in an "acceptable" way and cut the sarcasm... But I get her disappointment in finding out that you had already spoken with the teacher.

But you are both new at this... Grace from and for each other would work here...

[Holding]

FC and Artista, thanks for the feedback!

I ended up responding with something short and neutral: "If you'd like to be included in calls in the future, I'm willing to coordinate. Would you like to know the details of what I discussed with his teacher?" So far, no response.

Just about everyone I talked to said I didn't do anything wrong here. I checked our mediation agreement - it says we each have the right to consult with teachers.

One big takeaway is that XW is still trying to control me, and is apparently more interested in her image than in the actual contents of the convo with the teacher.

[Accuray]

I would just ignore the snark and rise above it. It will frustrate her when she can no longer get a rise out of you because you don't care any longer, and then she'll stop.

Regarding the co-parenting its a good idea to discuss in detail what it means to you. For instance, what scenarios can each of you address individually, and what needs to be addressed together?

Who is responsible for scheduling doctors' visits and which parent needs to do the driving?

When a child is sick at school, is one person primarily responsible to leave work and pick them up, or is it based on whoever responds soonest?

On a snow day when school is cancelled, who is responsible for doing the driving between houses for the parenting handoff and what time does it occur? When school would have started, or when school would have ended?

(etc. etc.) The more of this you can spell out and put on your website the better, because it will preempt conflicts as each case arises.

FWIW, I don't think it's practical for you two to be on a conference call for every teacher conversation, the logistics are too difficult. Generally it works well for one parent to have an initial conversation and if it seems like a major issue, ask for a follow-on with both of you. If it's a minor issue just deal with it. That obviously requires you two to make judgement calls, so in that case you should discuss what would fall into the categories of major and minor.

Finally, you don't care if she looks like an absentee parent, that is not your concern.

Acc

[Holding]

I would just ignore the snark and rise above it. It will frustrate her when she can no longer get a rise out of you because you don't care any longer, and then she'll stop.

Rising above is what I'm trying to do. I hope she gets frustrated and stops soon. Any estimates on how long I can expect to see this snark from her?

FWIW, I don't think it's practical for you two to be on a conference call for every teacher conversation, the logistics are too difficult.

I agree. I think it'll eventually head in that direction. I know XW will not want to sustain that level of involvement. Maybe this is one of those opportunities for handling conflict...

Finally, you don't care if she looks like an absentee parent, that is not your concern.

I hear you on that!

---------

On another note, in a recent message XW stated "We've messed up the kids' lives enough". I'm glad she's starting to see that this isn't a cake walk for the kids. But I also notice she's projecting onto me by using "we".

[Holding]

Something just happened that I'm pretty livid about.

XW went to the house to pick up the kids for a scout meeting, and since I wasn't home she went in when S10 invited her to. In the mediation agreement we have wording that states she's not to enter my house without my permission.

When I got home 5 minutes later, I walked in, heard my bedroom door close, and saw XW walking away from the door. I asked her what she was doing in there, and she said she was just looking around to see what things looked like.

I have no idea what she was doing in there. I have personal papers and other items that I don't want her sorting through.

She left a minute later when S10 was ready for the scout meeting.

I sent her a message that she entered my house without permission and she is not to do so in the future.

D@mn, this is BS.

[Accuray]

Yikes, I have two reactions to that -- first is that XW's actions were not acceptable, she certainly shouldn't be going into your bedroom for any reason. If your joint website is an "official record" then I would send her a message on that website recapping that she entered your house without your permission and entered your bedroom without invitation, remind her of your agreement and restate that she needs to have your permission to enter the house and should never have cause to enter your bedroom. If she continues to violate your divorce agreement, talk to your lawyer about your options. You may be able to serve her for contempt.

My second reaction is this -- in my state we have to take a parenting class in order to get divorced, it's a hard requirement. At the parenting class, the instructor said that the worst situation for the kids is when the parents have a "threshold ban" and can't or won't cross each others' thresholds. She said that's very damaging to how the kids think about their family and their role in it. Divorced or not, you two are still their family.

Over time, if you can get yourself to the place where XW can enter your house on your sons' invitation (but respect not entering the bedroom) that will be to your sons' benefit. She should be able to come into the foyer, living room, space deemed "common areas" or potentially their bedrooms to help them pack clothes when needed etc.

Obviously it will take time and healing to get there, but it's not a bad goal to have.

Acc

[Holding]

Acc, I used the familywizard website to send an "official" notice to XW, and said pretty much exactly what you recommended. She responded by saying my reminder was "fine", and then she changed the topic to me refinancing the house. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After it was over, I told the kids that this is my house now and their mom needs my permission to enter the house. It felt awful having to do that, but they seemed to understand. God, I hate all this.

WX then starts up again with saying I went behind her back in contacting the school, as well as withholding from her the info that S15 stayed home from school sick (he gets "sick" all the time). I offered to put together a list of detailed coparenting scenarios that we could agree on, and she rejected the suggestion, saying she doesn't want a "list of do's and don'ts on how to be a parent". Instead, she wants me to be more "forthcoming".

I'm not a violent person, but this all makes me want to punch a wall or something. She has taken my family and killed it. She put me through h3ll more than any other single human being has. And now she continues to try to control me after she gets what she wants. ENOUGH!

I hope we can get to a place where we can get along. I just want to coexist.