How a treehouse can cost you your marriage 2

[Clyde]

Hello A, AS, & V, G1, G,

Again thanks for taking the time to lend your support and views. Between them and my own accesment of the sitch I have come up w/ a game plan that will hopefully cease the backsliding, unnecessary arguments, and abusive conditions that are sabotaging our MR.

First an update:

Much stayed the same for a few days, w/ the looming expiration of her lease, pressure built. My take on the sitch was that she thought I would cave to her terms and tell her to stay, this did not happen, she asked to talk about the sitch several times but did not change her stance at all. I tried my best to avoid pointless convos.

A few days ago she approached me w/ the notion, "We stay together for the kids sake, and because neither of us can afford to live separated". I delicately made the point that I was surviving financially w/out her (I don't know if she even picked up on that point). I made clear that while staying together for the kids was noble, I feel like there is no way that would work and in turn hurt the kids more than separating as there would surly be many more arguments, cold feelings etc. If we were to stay together it would have to be on the premiss that we both want and believe in our MR and one another. I told her that I would not stay in the MR solely for the kids.

I told her that I was wrong in demanding that we go to MC, or that she go to IC... I told her there is no way MC could be remotely effective at this point, and that IC has been a big help for me in seeing things from a different stand point, and that maybe it is something she should consider if and when she ever felt comfortable w/ it. She mentioned she talked to some of her friends about our sitch and that they agreed w/ her.

This is were I know many of you would say I should of shut my mouth, (and maybe I should have, as you will read there was definitely a danger in not doing so - but in the end I feel like it may have pushed things to a head/sowed a positive effect).

M: That says nothing, your friends are facilitators, like someone who gives an addict money for drugs... So you mean to tell me that you told your friends, and they agreed with your approach of when you came to me and said "I gonna need $xxxx" you did not ask if I had the x-tra $, the way you presented it really was not asking, it seemed more like an entitled demand to me, and then when I tried to talk to you about it you shut me down.
W: Well what did you want me to do, ask my family... how would that make you look, I moved back in w/ you and I am asking them for $!!!
M: I don't care how it would make me look, and that is besides the point - it is all about how you presented it to me... but since we are going there... you are the one who caused me to rack up more than 10k in lawyer fees, you are the one who demanded money we did not have to move out, you are the one who only works 20 hours a week... maybe that is what you should tell your family!!!
W: I told you when we were talking about getting back together that I did not want to rely on you for money!!
M: So that justifies the $h!tty way you asked for it?

At that point she lost it (possibly hit rock bottom), she started gritting her teeth at me, raised both hands like a panther ready to claw and was screaming at me. I put my hands in my pocket, backed up and sat in a chair. She went into the bathroom and ws crying for 5 - 10 minutes and then left.

At that point it was clear that I needed to drop the rope. I proceeded w/ my day, accepted the state of things. She came home a few hours later, I was in the shop working when she text me "I'm going up to talk w/ Mary" (Mary is not her real name).

This I feel was a tremendous breakthrough, my W was finally willing to seek advice outside her core circle of friends. Mary is a neighbor and an older woman who became somewhat of a Mother figure to my W over the last 16 years. She is an elder in our church, and while Mary was always much closer w/ my W than she was w/ me, she is someone who I feel has a lot of wisdom to share with those who will listen. Once my W BD'd, Mary was cut out of her life, Mary reached out to her time and time again but the W never responded. During the initial separation I would try to encourage the W to go and talk to Mary but she would refuse, saying something like "I already know what she is going to say, do you really think I want to hear it?"

I have no idea what they discussed for close to 4 hours, but when my W came home I could see she was in a different disposition.

W: I spoke W/ Mary, she agrees that living in the past is somewhat of a danger at this point in our MR, we should focus on making new memories. Reliving what went wrong is only going to open old wounds, create resentment.
M: I agree, it would be stupid to relive our past, however if an unresolved issue is starting to rear its head again, we should be secure enough to talk about it, the effects it had, and what we did or did not do last time that did not help resolve it.
W: You mentioned that you had discussed the TRO w/ your IC three weeks ago, I feel like it was stewing.
M: I'm glad you brought that up, did you see any difference in my disposition over the last few weeks?
W: No, but that does not mean that it was not stewing
M: I talked w/ the IC, I choose not to bring it up, rather "live in the moment - make new memories" as you put it. The other night when I tried to have a simple convo about sex, you did not even let me finish my sentence, you yelled at me and said I was going to ruin a good thing... reminded me of pre TRO days, so I brought it up. And that is exactly what I meant earlier when I said we need to be secure enough to talk about certain issues. If this is going to work I need you to understand the impact all that had on me, the other day when you left the house, I had to wonder..."Great, is she going to go do that again?"
W: I get it, and I am sorry, I said I am sorry for the whole thing.

In hindsight I should have thanked her for her apology at this point, don't know why I did not, perhaps I was to busy looking down at the rope laying there that I had dropped just a few hours before... battling w/ the notion of picking it up.

W: So what now?
M: You know I want this MR to work I've said it enough times. That being said, I will not have any part of a MR where there are lines drawn in the sand, were bringing up certain issues are a threat of "ruining" our MR, were sex is used as a control method, or were the only reason we stay together is for the kids.
W: Its going to take a lot of patience and understanding from both of us. It has been really good since we got back together, lets try to keep our focus on making new memories, building what we had back up.

Not much more was said after that. We went to bed 20 minutes later, She told me ILY and gave me a goodnight kiss. The last few days have not been has passionate as they were before the argument, but seem to be on there way there.

Going forward (Clyde's part):
- Don''t engage in pointless arguments.
- Patience.
- Remind myself when necessary the wisdom that another poster once shared w/ me "MORAL VICTORIES ARE NOT VICTORIES".
- Absolutely ZERO TOLERANCE for any type of abusive comments/actions. When they happen I will stop right there and call them for what they are:
If it is a hateful comment, my response will be "You are being hateful" - End of Discussion (EOD).
If it is manipulative, my response will be "You being manipulative, you need to stop" - EOD
And so forth...
- Continue to grow as a H, continue to give serious thought and to and address the issues that I contributed to the state of our MR... become the man only a fool would leave.
- Continue to grow as a father, provide the necessary security for my kids no matter what the outcome of my MR is. To make sure I am ceasing every opportunity to make these kids days brighter, to fill their heads w/ as many happy memories as possible.
- To understand the necessity and find the balance of taking care of Clyde.

I'm sure much of my plan going forward sounds like a no brainer, I'm really curios of what your guys take is going to be on how to deal with the abusive comments/actions.

Sorry I dropped off the map for a few days - thanks for your concern. It is hard to post these days and not let the W see what I am up too.