Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

I need someone who can help me decipher a text exchange my wife and I had yesterday.

To start, her vehicle is having issues. I know I am not supposed to be doing things like this for her, but last Sunday I tried to repair it. It is a safety issue and D18 drives it as well, so I had to do it. It was fine for a few days, then D18 was driving it and it shut down. I went to get her and it drove home fine. That night W wants to go out and takes off in it. It shuts down again. She calls me pi$$ed off because it’s my fault, but manages to get it started and limps home with it.

Yesterday I found a place to take it for repair, but hadn’t yet told my W. She texts me about to ask if I had found a place and to try to arrange using my car to taxi the kids around. I was busy so it took a while to get back to her. I told her I did and that she could take it over if she wanted. This is where the fun starts.

She was instantly mad, and asked how she was “magically” supposed to do that. I said “drive it?” I thought that would end it because I figured there was no way she would do it. It was nearly 5pm, ten degrees out and the vehicle wouldn’t stay running. Well, she did try and didn’t make it.

Of course, I got an angry call and some texts about it. I told her that I never thought she would actually try to drive it over and I was going to have it towed when I got home. She said that I told her to drive it over, I replied something like “since when to do you do what I say?”

After that she started in on a little R talk. About how I never listened to her and didn’t believe her about the car. I told her that I did believe her, that’s why I tried to fix it. The fix didn’t work, so now we have to take it in. I was firm with what I was saying and continued to be firm, so I started out well.

W then stated “I can’t do this anymore.” I came back with more about the car, but I knew what she was talking about. She said “That’s not what I’m talking about.” I replied “I know. But you won’t communicate with me anymore.” She then started talking about how I never listen to her, how I always do whatever I want to do and she never has a voice in any important decision that is made. This is where I started to fall down.

I started to acknowledge her feelings on a few things and defend myself a bit. I brought up a few things she has done to me such as throwing away a very heartfelt birthday card I gave her. She replied that she still has it and that she would not throw it away.

I catch myself and start to toughen up (I hear sandi2 SCREAMING at me in my head) and she comes back with “I don’t know who you are any more,” “I’m hurt and don’t think we can fix this marriage anymore,” “seems like you give up and so do I,” and “I won’t leave because of the kids, but I cannot do this forever.”

I’m paraphrasing, but I told her that this marriage can be fixed if we both commit to doing it.

What do I make out of what she was saying?

Why wouldn’t she throw the card away? Does she still have feelings somewhere even though there is absolutely no reminder of our marriage in the house except me wearing my wedding ring?

SHE’S HURT? SHE is the one having the A, and SHE is the one that is HURT?!?!

She doesn’t think we can fix the marriage, is only sticking around for the kids but can’t do this forever. WTF is that supposed to mean? She is going to wait nine more years before she divorces me?

Can someone with experience please tell me what she was trying to say? I have put many meanings to it, but keep changing my mind on what she was really trying to do.

For those not familiar with my sitch, my W does not know that I know about the A. I was advised to not tell her yet.