I'm a throw yourself in at the deepens and wrestle with it kinda gal.
Been thinking and looking back.
I had an opportunity to go hell for leather DBing after the BD in May 2013.
He told me then (two days after my birthday) that he couldn't see a future together. And then left shortly afterwards to go to work at a job for about a month (maybe?) 400 odd miles away - and I now know, with OW.
That was my chance really. I kinda did DB bit, but I didn't really understand what was happening or what I was doing, or what DBing was all about. I'd never heard of it then. It was more an instinctive thing, just to try and do **something**. I had no idea about OW number 2.
He did make reference to 'startling changes' I had made when he finally texted me in October 2015, saying he wanted to separate. And I think he might have been referring to that period. Who knows though. And really, who cares?
I think one of my closes friends understood what the deal was though. She's helped me a lot.
Anyway, I can see where the scars are, and I can feel what still needs work. But there's no rush now, is there? Better to be working slowly and surely, than trying to do as much and as fast as possible. That's what I was doing previously, for the first year/year and a half anyway.
I see my lifetime issues are trust. Not just as a result of my M and the A, but from way before that. And deeper than being able to trust other people, is the necessity of trusting yourself. I don't think I've ever really believed in myself much, on a feeling level and I've never trusted myself much.
Sure, there are a few things I wish I had done differently in this whole thing. I hang my head in shame...in November 2014 I did actually send an email to OW saying I knew (I'd discovered a text from him to her, where he said he still loved her). The email I sent said that they would never find themselves in the same city again, or work with each other again. Oh well...I can laugh about it now.
But I feel like (overall) I've behaved in a dignified manner, outwardly at least. Especially since October 2015. That's important to me. When I felt that the carpet had been whipped out from under my feet, it's all I could do to try and regain my balance and look a little more graceful at least.
