Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[Subitai]

I'm at the last week of living together before separating, and it really felt similar. We went from her giving me a good bye hug the first week to almost nothing now. Every once in awhile a hug, but you gotta stay with non-initiation. Do some GAL stuff. Talk to your friends. Stay engaged in your 180s, and self improvement. Seek IC if you can.

[reframe]

Yeah, I'm struggling with not checking emails, etc.. Even though I know it's not good for me. I keep finding that she is clearly planning on divorce (once she's in a financial position to do so) and a life without me, and has also done some impressive mental gymnastics to make me the bad guy.

She always felt that she wasn't good enough for me, and apparently I was not mentally abusive and am the reason for her insecurity (which I'm nearly completely sure comes from within her).

This is where the patience part is really difficult. Right now I'm supporting her financially, and providing companionship and the like when she wants it.

I feel a lot like I'm being used, by someone who is biding her time and has already checked out.

Part of my very much wants to say "if you want to leave, go be on your own". But I also know from reading on here that she may well work through these attitudes and they might change, so I probably should be patient and not confront any of this. It's only been a few months, but it feels like an eternity. Especially when her perceptions of me seem so disconnected from the reality I've experienced.

[reframe]

I don't know if there is any kind of physical infidelity going on (I believe that is a deal breaker for me), but I also know that she is not being forthcoming with me.

I know some on here would suggest saying nothing and just being the calm, positive and withdrawing presence. This knowledge takes me very close to just filing though.

[reframe]

Had my first call with a DB coach ten days or so ago.
She suggested essentially that I keep doing what I'm doing (Give physical and emotional space) and focus on my friendship.

That I don't pursue, but do continue with physical affection when it is well received.

The last few weeks have been "Better" but it's a slow process.
All indications are that the wife is still planning on moving toward a life without me.

That said, she is acting like she likes me more. She has (of her own choice) help me in a bed a few times, and otherwise been either mildly flirty or physically affectionate a few times.

I'm making a point of not reaching out to her during the day, and she is often initiating contact and checking in to see how I'm doing.

In short, if I am objective, I can convince myself that the process is working, but it's only been a month and its really too soon to tell.
Now I need to not backslide, which is doubly tough when I see glimmers of the woman I love in there.

Still struggling to detach, but I'm starting to have days where I feel like I'll be fine with our without her, and that if she wants a R going forward things will need to be different.

[reframe]

Last night was pretty rough. I ran worked out and ran errands with the wife. Had a generally pleasant conversation where I listened intently, but I have a few small reminders that everything I do/so will be taken in the most negative light possible.

I said one thing (over the evening) that seemed like I wasn't processing/listening and she got frustrated and stomped off.

Another careless comment was taken as invalidating.

Don't get me wrong. What I said COULD be taken that way, but I'd say I'm doing the right thing 99% of the time. And that 1% is taken in the most negative light possible.

There was more of the same this morning. She'll be pleasant enough, but there's a short tempered anger lurking just beneath the surface.
She is outwardly appearing to be all happy and finding herself, and she IS making an effort (meditating, seeking IC, etc..) but it seems like she's seeking a lot of external validation on social media, and like the happiness is only skin deep. You know the new age people who are all serene and well adjusted, but there's an inner rage just under the surface, yeah, that's her right now.

Anyone out there? My entries are starting to make me feel like I'm talking to myself. I would LOVE feedback on my situtation. I feel like there are elements of both MLC and her just being "done".

[Subitai]

I'm in the same situation. Sometimes flirty behavior, etc, but all signs point towards D still. And also, yes, the slightest regression is a massive failure in her eyes, and validation for why the D is still the right thing to do. I think you're doing the right thing. Stay strong through the 'down' periods when you feel like throwing in the towel.

I got zero contact from her this week, though, except for some kid related stuff. And even that she's dropping the ball on, not communicating back if it's not urgent.

[reframe]

Thanks man. Just seeing how common this is really helps.
One of the recurring themes I see on here is everyone trying to convince themselves that their circumstances are "different" or "unique".

My wife's health issues may add an element of uniqueness (and a challenge, since we can't go on normal dates, and we can't currently do much of the adventures and outdoor activities that we used to bond over).

But there's still a lot in common with what I see other WAS and MLC spouses on here doing...

[Holding]

Reframe, I just got caught up on your sitch. Sorry you're here, but we'll try to help.

I hope Benito and JoeJoe can stop by. I think they can give you some good advice as well. Both guys managed to recon their M's. Benito especially was in a similar sitch - he thought his M was done for, his W moved out (no kids), and he started on SLOW and STEADY improvement for himself. She got curious and he took his time on slowly getting her to see the new person he'd become. Here's the thing though, he did have to become a new person.

This reminds me a little of my sitch in the beginning, where D wasn't mentioned after BD, but it was like a sword hanging over my head. My XW would always talk about "leaving", but it was never "D". Until it was, a few months later. I felt so much pressure to fix things, it was awful and messed me up big time. I wanted a quick fix, and there wasn't one.

The fact that she gets so irritated by your smallest slip up tells me she's starting to justify to herself why she wants to D. I don't say that to discourage you, but to let you know where she might be at. But let's not get into mind-reading, which leads me to...

I REALLY encourage you to get some physical distance between you and your W. In-house separation has a very poor track record (I went through 7 miserable months of it). Since you have no kids, you really don't risk anything by separating. The time apart makes all the difference, it will clear your mind and make your GAL much more effective. It's true she won't see your 180s as much if you're separated, but the upside is much bigger - your 180s appear bigger when she does see you, and she won't see your slip ups to justify her feelings. Not seeing you may also make her WONDER about you, which is a good thing.

SLOW and STEADY.

[reframe]

I've wondered about that, and it's one of the things I'm really conflicted about.

The DB coach suggested that I "treat her like a dear friend and house guest".
When we had our first big fight after the initial BD, I stayed at my mom's house for an evening. She asked me to come home the next night. I asked at the time if she thought we should spend some time apart, and she said "that just let's me know that you can ignore me".


On the other hand, I do feel like she is taking full advantage of the support and the like I provide (both companionship, chores, emotional and financial) and really has no idea how much I do - since it's become the new norm for her.

The house is solely in my name though, and she's not really in a position to support herself yet, although she's clearly trying to get there.

[reframe]

Had a pleasant enough weekend together. The wife wasn't overly physically affectionate, but we did have some fun together. She is clearly trying to justify her feelings by painting me as the bad guy. We had some really pleasant interactions, and were able to get outside and down some things together (Which is a big win).

She seems to like me most of the time, and there are little positive signs (like her saying she was looking forward to cuddling and watching TV with me the other day). But she is also extremely quick to anger.

I don't engage when she gets that way, and just try to ignore it. I'll be happy to discuss any issues between us when she's ready, but I think I need to wait for her to initiate those conversations for now. I'm also seeing little ways that I'm still pursuing, and slowing working at eliminating them.

It is REALLY hard getting little glimpses of the woman I love, interspaced with the anger and frustration. Feels like a serious Jekyll and Hyde situation.