No human is ever perfect. No R is ever everything.
As Jelly says it's work and play.
Zues has the gift of directed anger, some of us work from other emotions, mine is fear. Jelly from sweetsadness. I think yours is from disgust of yourself, of XWH, of L......
It's ok, it's who we are. Our nature, our composition.
Addiction is a dark hole, secretive addiction is a dark hole to hell. Addicts put the addiction first in their lives. Once they cross that Rubicon there is no going back, they are addicted forever.
Addiction in its initial stages is a choice, they choose to use a substance, a behaviour or a ritual. It is their need to involve their soul and body in self indulgent destruction. Ironically the happier their prospects the more likely they are to indulge to destruction.
No other can make an adult an addict. In fact I would think your presence slowed the disease process not encouraged it. Once the addict is gripped fully by the addiction then that comes first. Hiding the addiction shows deep shame of it and self. It's wasteful and you have done the right thing by your child in limiting overnight contact.
I know what covert addiction can do to an R. Even an open addiction can damage. In that you will have to trust me, I walked 12 steps with the addiction. And the addict resented me more for wanting him clean of gambling, smoking, drinking and womanising, being clean requires a lot of strength and boredom. It means releasing love and being a non addict. Being loving in that phase pushed the addict away, made him go more underground.
Your xWH isnt a special snowflake sort of addict. Addicts are exclusively the same, addicted to destruction. You can't love that away, being a better partner would likely have sped up the destruction. And letting the addict continue with the addiction which is what they want is enabling.
Who knows if new guy is the one, who knows if it will last, there are no guarantees in it. It is great to work on your R skills, I say this often to myself but as yet don't have your courage or Jelly to get into a new R.
Four years on this March since BD1 and still not ready. In this I am like Zues I do believe that an M is for life and that it takes work. I just don't want to choose another abusive R and don't trust myself.
You are doing great Ju. And it's ok to be cautious and it seems to me your stance is right for this phase of R.
Love as always
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
