Thanks ginger and amoafwl. I'm trying really hard to do the right thing for D, but we've been doing it for a year so it's pretty entrenched. Ginger is right in that I'm trying so damn hard to do the right thing at all costs.
There's also this: Tennessee law includes "The right to unimpeded telephone conversations with the child at least twice a week at reasonable times and for reasonable durations" so I guess I need some legal advice here.
I do truly believe that you are trying to do the right thing for D. But I think you are also trying to do whatever keeps exW peaceful and for her to not spew at you so you don't feel bad when she calls you a bad father or something.
Do the right thing for D. Not the right thing for exW.
Ginger, the truth is I think I'm still afraid of her. I didn't realize until months after she was gone that I was actually AFRAID of her, but damned if I wasn't. I've been told by a friend that I display symptoms of PTSD. The funny thing is hearing that just gave me one more thing to worry about.
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Posters have asked what the status of the custody thing is. Where are you at, you haven't quite answered. That seriously needs to be taken care of.
Right now we're status quo, which is I have D during the week, XW has her three weekends a month. She can see her any night during the week, but hasn't exercised that right in months. Mediation seems to have failed, and I don't know if we have another round of it, or if we go to court, etc. I've incurred enough expense that I don't bug my L unless there is an issue of immediate concern that requires specific advice or a response.
So I haven't quite answered because I don't know anything.
East, I can sympathize with your NGS tendencies and being afraid of the XW.
What can she do to you at this point? Take you back to court, get full custody, sue you? Think about why you're afraid. Run each scenario through your mind. And the hardest part ... try to come to terms with each scenario and accept it.
The calling thing is obviously not working, and it puts too much pressure on D7 (and you). Do you get to talk to D7 twice a day when she's with XW? If so, how talkative is she with you?
I feel like I'm sensing a lot of jealousy from your XW. I don't know if it's jealousy of your R with D7, or jealously of your R with your GF, or both, or even something else.
Since your mediation failed, has XW expressed what she wants in terms of custody or a parenting plan? Is there any logical next step? I'm not familiar with TN law, but can this current sitch just go on forever? I think having something finalized will give you some peace and help you with setting boundaries.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I feel like I'm sensing a lot of jealousy from your XW. I don't know if it's jealousy of your R with D7, or jealously of your R with your GF, or both, or even something else.
i think XW is super-controlling... and it is more than she can take that she has no control over D when she is with East... and she cannot as easily control East now that they are not together... so she tries to control him by her nasty comments and accusations regarding new toys--etc., etc.,... hoping he will cave because he IS a nice guy... the phone calls are all about control... controlling D, and even how D sounds over the phone... and controlling East with the phone calls... she is trying really hard to hold on to something, to hold on to D... but what she is doing is really taking steps toward alienating D...
she accuses East of coming between D and XW's relationship... accusing him of doing things that make D not want to talk to XW... yet, she is the one planting thoughts in D's mind... D told East that he is selfish... her mommy said so... many WW spouses seem to lack mirrors...
and Holding, i think you are right about the jealousy... i see it too...
What can she do to you at this point? Take you back to court, get full custody, sue you? Think about why you're afraid. Run each scenario through your mind. And the hardest part ... try to come to terms with each scenario and accept it.
What she can do isn't what scares me (though frankly "unknown future" is scary) it's just the anger. And this is my life:
I get to school at 5:45 to pick up D. Her friend's dad gets there just after me, and she and D play out in the parking lot together. It's pretty cute, and we get in the truck around 6:00. XW texts me "do you have D yet?" and I don't respond.
As we're getting in the truck, the phone rings. I tell D it's mommy, do you want to talk? She says no. After the call goes to voicemail, XW calls back again. I'm driving at this point, so I don't read the texts until later. XW calls a grand total of 20 times between 5:59pm and 6:22. Here are the texts:
XW: "Do you have D yet?"
XW: "Well you aint answering the phone and you ain't texting back! I'd like to talk to D"
XW: "You're just picking her up or just getting home. I'd like to talk to D now thanks"
XW: "I'd like to talk to D"
XW: "I know you see this and are sending me to voicemail"
XW: "Hello!?"
XW: "Hello!?"
XW: "You have D I want to talk to her!"
XW: "I am her mother you can not and will not keep her from me!"
At this point I am out of the car at home so I respond: "We just got home. She was playing with her friend when you started ringing the phone off the hook. She said she did not want to talk. I am trying to encourage her to talk to you but the phone ringing off the hook is upsetting her. Please stop calling. I will ask her at bedtime if she wants to call and will try to get her to."
XW: "I can't stand you"
XW: "Well I'm coming by then since she is outside playing"
XW: "You can't just hand her the phone!? You are supposed to be the parent right now. It's dark out so I know she isn't out right now. I don't know why you are lying."
XW: "Hello"
XW: "I'd like to talk to her before she started homework and ate"
XW: "Hello"
XW: "Let me talk to her!!!"
XW: "Hello"
XW: "That's ok EastTN. You c am do me like this now but you won't be able to I promise you that!"
There's a voicemail in the middle of all of this, dripping with sarcasm. "Uhh, it's dark outside so I doubt very seriously that D is still out because I know you would have her in already doing homework and getting her ready for a bath--if you was to give her one. If you could, have her call me back, I would really appreciate it. Thanks."
I'm reading what I just wrote, and... yeah. It's hard not to be afraid of someone like this.
This is more than scary sh.t. Be prepared for false accusations and twists.
I am afraid going head to head with crazy isn't going to help, these nut cases are masters at it, they have been doing this all of their lives.
The only way through this is for crazy to get bored with you and your sitch. Disengage. Please note the comments on bathing, she is projecting her view on this. Ano even if D doesn't want to talk to mum, don't say so. This will make life very difficult for your D at her mums house. So something neutral such as D is currently deep in play, she is snoozing, we are travelling chat later. To deal with crazy, sometimes you have to play their game. Like a large defense player with an attacking opponent. Crazy is enjoying this exchange, so you just block. It might also be that her R isn't so rosy at the moment, so any mention of it will set her off. Plus the happy contrast will too.
In my sitch I researched techniques to deal with high conflict and two really helped BIFF (brief informed firm friendly) and Medium Chill.
So my response would have been
It is your view that I am preventing D from calling you, this isn't the case as contact with mum is important. Can we arrange a set time for calls as this will assist in scheduling?
Boring word, scheduling................
Courts love scheduling and it shows willingness to cooperate. Schedule away, and normalise around it. No big deal if it's on a schedule right? And whilst it's tough, you can lead a little, as in why don't you tell mum about school, your homework, playing out. (Ordinary, very boring things). The eggs on toast for tea.... Boring, boring, boring......
Your D should call mummy at a set time and that is OK. Even if she doesn't want to do it. Get it over with and move on. Grit teeth and grin. There is an interesting Google searches about legal stuff with kids, Google proper person as that is largely about self representation which might cut some legal bills.
Yes it sounds like complex PTSD. I have this, you are likely to have anxiety and flashbacks along with other out of control feelings. There are some posts on my threads about my experience with it. When I go back and reread it, I feel raw.
I am very frightened of the G too and often feel my life is in danger. I feel safer when he is in another country far away from me. And it's taken nearly 4 years to get him to go away and leave me alone. He still drives by the house, he still makes silent calls, he still turns up for a drink in my village pub. Still trying to limit my life. He does this when he thinks I am at my lowest ebb or if he thinks I have a bf.
Dating is a big on switch for crazy, theiron world view is that they own you and also that you are still under control.
Please stay safe.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
East, the text exchange tells me she's trying to control you. Something useful that Acc (I think) posted to me a while ago:
You Feel........They Feel Irritated..........Need for attention Insufficient......Insufficient, desire to prove their value Powerless........Powerless, desire to gain control Hurt or Angry...Vindictive, desire for revenge
The familywizard that V recommends is what my XW and I use. It can provide some structure, but it may not be helpful if your XW flat out refuses to use it, or just uses it as a different platform for her attacks. It's not free, but the advantage is that it can be reviewed by the courts or other professionals.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
East, the text exchange tells me she's trying to control you.
what Holding said... she is a super-control freak... a contripulator--controlling manipulator... Family Wizard sounds like a plan... save all of your texts and phone history... calling numerous times in a short period of time shows obsessive-compulsive behavior... she is so focused on getting you to respond (obsessive) and cannot help herself from calling again and again (compulsive)... she cannot control you, she cannot control D when she is with you, and her behavior shows she cannot control herself... her emotions nor her actions...
