Haven’t been on the boards much, but still lurking here and there. Nothing much has changed in my sitch, when it comes to W. It feels like we’re settling into some pattern of kid exchanges and communications that are strictly on a need-to-know basis. I have no idea what she’s doing, and I don’t inquire or have any general interest anymore.
I am getting more and more detached every day and focusing on my goals exclusively. After months of trying to quit smoking and just going through the motions, I finally quit over a week ago. As most ex-smokers know, I am not out of the woods just yet, but I am quite confident on my ability to exercise self-control and I have put in the mental work to help me fight a war. I did have my mind play amazing tricks on me in the last few days, but I was able to stand my ground and not give in. I am really proud of this accomplishment. This was my first goal to get done. Now onto the rest. Still working out and now my blood pressure is dropping into good digits and so is the blood sugar.
One of the main things that propelled me to get through the first 72 hours of my quit, when the physical withdrawal symptoms are the worst, is that I wanted to start my transformation badly. Like really bad. Like I would almost cut my limb off for it. And this goes with the DB philosophy of creating those long lasting changes within yourself. I knew that my first step was going to be me quitting smoking, and the rest will follow because I could put in the hard work.
I have this insatiable kind of hunger in me now that wants to take life by the ball$ and make this transformation happen. Not for her or any one else, but just for me. I won’t life just happen to me any more.
There are no magic answers to help you heal yourself. There is so much pain and anguish on this board, and it’s so visceral because we can all feel so much empathy for each other. Without this community, I don’t know where I would’ve been in my journey.
I know we try and comfort and motivate each other through different sayings and thoughtful messages and I have a ton of those one liners to share, just like most of you. But life is complex and there has to be a balance of many things, some of it being kinda contradictory or working against each other. But, I found that the following things have helped me immensely and finding a balance with them. It’s like a recipe but you can adjust the dose to get it just right for you:
GAL / PMA / self – trust/compassion/awareness/control/discipline / sitting with discomfort and pain / understanding, naming, and processing emotions
I am sure there’s tons that can be added to that.
One of the few things that I have understood for myself from DBing and all of this is how much reliance I had in my W and our plans together for the future. I am sure it can be said that MR is an exercise in reliance on each other and that we should fully expect that from our partners. I understand that, but this has made me acutely aware of how much I cannot afford to rely on anyone else in the future. Maybe this is too cynical, but I just don’t know how else to see it. I am not in financial ruin or anything, but I am not in the greatest place to start building a strong financial future for myself or the kids. There’s only two options – reduce expenses or increase income. I am working on both.
Anyways, just in a place where I simply cannot afford to rely on anyone else for anything. My desire to be with W is diminishing rapidly every day and I really don’t know if I will ever be able to trust and rely on her if wants to recon. I know that’s not a problem I have currently and no need to obsess over it, but the trust is gone.
Taking personal accountability and ownership for everything. Figuring out which parts I let happen and which were not just my fault. Definitely changing things up for the former and learning how to deal with the latter better.
The best thing DB has given me is cultivating that hunger for transformation. When I put that in high gear to quit smoking, it gave me that drive and motivation and unbeatable feeling of being invincible – something I haven’t felt in a very very long time. Just get to that place and ride it and sustain it.
I want to be a better man and person come 2019. I want to look back at 2018 and see that I didn’t waste my time and I put in the hard work for what mattered to me.
