I don't believe you're using the homeschooling as a lever to keep her in the house, but if you are I'd try to train yourself not to think of it that way.
I’m not, but she has always been very much gung-ho about it and would not want to give it up (I don’t think).
Originally Posted By: Accuray
This is not her decision alone to make -- you have an equal say in the matter, and if it goes in front of a judge you will likely prevail.
Very true. I like them homeschooled. I believe they get a better education than the schools around here can provide since they can learn at their own pace, but I do have to weigh the harm that could be done by being home with her at this point.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Secondly, the responsibility for maintaining the relationship between your daughters and your wife does not fall on you. It also does not fall on your daughters -- it is your wife's responsibility.
Her current behavior of having tantrums and then doing "silent treatment" is immature in the extreme and should not be tolerated by anyone, including your daughters. That is toxic behavior and their lives would frankly be better off without that influence.
If she can't behave in a manner necessary to maintain her relationship with her adult children, that is her loss. Perhaps that loss will motivate her to do the work necessary to restore the relationships, or maybe she'll continue to regard herself as a victim forever.
Your daughter deserves a relationship with an emotionally healthy mother. If your W isn't up for that, your D is better off cutting her off.
You sound so much like D21. Were you listening to our conversation last night or something? D21 and I talked for over two hours last night about a lot of things, mainly this sitch. I originally went in to her room to give her my blessing on sending the text to her mom with some conditions (can’t sound like it is coming from me and to speak from the heart), but she opened up more than ever and I had to listen.
She said almost exactly what you said and told me about some observations she had made over the years. Most of them in my favor, surprisingly. D21 and I were always at odds until she was about 16. I didn’t know how to handle a young girl very well – I tried treating her like a boy. We had a blowout one night, some things were said and I felt like crap. I took her to dinner the next night to talk and apologize. We have been growing closer ever since. D21 said that my W is never willing to change for anyone and she gives me credit for being able to do a little introspection and changing when I needed to (yes, one of her majors is psychology) – exactly the opposite of what I am being accused of from my W. There have been a couple of times D21 has hit me with the ‘ol 2x4 and made me realize some of my flaws that needed to change. She is a great D.
Anyway, we eventually got on the subject of a possible D. She was telling me how she felt her mother was very controlling and selfish most of the time. I told her that I was partially responsible for creating that monster through my actions (or inactions) over the years. Not for sympathy, but to let her know I know I’ve made mistakes. She stopped me and told what everyone here has been saying. I may not have been perfect, but these are her choices and I’m not forcing her in to anything. She is the one going out. She is the one destroying our M. She is the one tearing apart the family. She is the one losing her kids. I’m not responsible for her choices, so don’t take the blame for them. How the heck can a 21 year old see that and a 48 year old can’t? She is an awesome D.
D21 also told me that W barley talks to her mother anymore and when she does, she can be downright mean at times. She has NEVER been like that with her mother. In talking to her grandmother, D21 has been told that grandmother knows something is wrong too, but does not know what. No one is telling her either. D21 is thinking about making the 2.5 hour drive to see her to fill her in, but knowing how her grandmother would start nagging my W, she is hesitant. I don’t know that it would be a good idea yet because it would involve “others” that she didn’t choose, possibly compounding the problems.
She also went on to talk about D14 and S8 some more, telling me that they are fighting like crazy now. I said that I rarely see them fight. She told me that it happens when I am not at home. Her theory is that they are not getting enough attention from mom, so they are getting it any way they can. When I’m home, I give them some attention, so they don’t need to get it themselves. D21 also doesn’t want to see a D because it would hurt the youngest two so much, but what is happening now could be even more harmful. She’s right.
Her other idea is to call my W’s best friend, her enabler, to ask what the heck is going on. She knows my W would get extremely pi$$ed but doesn’t care. I told her that the “friend” won’t tell her anything, so it might be best not to.
This girl wants this solved as much as I do it seems…
