New LBS - need advice

[apothem]

Hey everyone,

I need a little advice. My mom suggested that I continue to keep conversation light with my W and to let her initiate, but some time in the future, depending on how everything feels, that I let my W know that I'm sorry for not listening to her concerns over the last few months and that I should been more attentive. My W did mention to me once we got full custody of my son how hard everything is and that she's really struggling. Sadly, I ignored her calls for help.

I told my mom that goes against DR, but she insists that based off what she knows of my W (they were close), my W would appreciate that. I'm not so sure it would be a good thing to ask for forgiveness or apologize because I feel it would stir those memories for her again. For what it's worth, my mom went through a divorce too and said she would have appreciated something like that. Granted, I know everyone situation is unique.

I know I'm supposed to let my W initiate, not talk about the relationship or future, let her talk about her emotions and validate her, and for me to only talk about myself if she asks and to keep it brief.

[MoveFrwd]

It feels like all of your posts are excuses as to why you should be reaching out to W. I continue to think that you are doing the right thing by staying quiet.

My mom suggested that some time in the future, I let my W know that I'm sorry for not listening to her concerns over the last few months and that I should been more attentive.

I think this is a reasonable thing to do. But you have to be able to do this one time with no expectations. I would really consider what you are apologizing for and what your reasons are so that you can say what you want clearly and, like I said, with 0 expectation of her. Kind of like sending off a ship in a bottle from a desert island.

I would say you arent ready for this step yet. Its kind of a "last resort letter" as described by the coaches.

[apothem]

@Amoafwl You're completely in correct about me wanting to reach out to her. I miss her dearly...but I continue to remain quiet.

I agree about not being ready to apologize to her yet, that is still quite far away I think. She still needs time to work on herself and process things. As far as doing it one time with no expectations I can handle that, despite the fact it would hurt if it did nothing, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Thank you again, you always provide insightful information.

[Coconut]

I would agree with your Mom, that sometime in the future you apologize, as in not now. But that time isn't until your W is open to reconciling. An apology isn't going to win her back when she just wants to get away, too little too late (will be the mindset).

However, if things turn around and she starts being open to the possibility, a well thought out, heartfelt apology can show that you recognize hurtful actions done in the past, and if someone at least recognizes it, then there is hope they won't repeat them.

No pressure, validating, just being a lighthouse is the way to help her find the way back to wanting to R. Maybe take some time to go back and read the validating and lighthouse threads in the newcomer welcome post that cadet put on your first page.

[MoveFrwd]

I agree about not being ready to apologize to her yet, that is still quite far away I think. She still needs time to work on herself and process things.

Do you see the issue here?

Why does SHE need to do anything for you to determine whether or not to apologize. That only matters if you are expecting something from her. From this, it shows YOU are not ready yet...not her. Youre only saying you are sorry in the hopes that it sparks something in her. You arent talking about apologizing because it is part of YOUR healing process.

As far as doing it one time with no expectations I can handle that, despite the fact it would hurt if it did nothing, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

If you have no expectations, then it wont hurt. Like I said, its like sending off a message in a bottle from a desert island - you may have a desired outcome, but you cant be upset if it doesnt work.

As for your basketball analogy, I have one for you. You can absolutely walk down the court and fire up a 35 footer with 20 seconds on the shot clock. And theres a chance that you make it. But wouldnt you rather 'take your shot' after working the ball into the best position to score?

Right now, youre not 'doing nothing'. You are choosing to give your W some space and some time. I hope that you are using this time to work on you instead of just focusing on her!

[apothem]

@Coconut - Thank you, that is what I was considering as well. I'll go back and re-read The Lighthouse and the validation posts.

@Amoafwl - Again, thank you for the insight. That's why I come here, because I lack the perception to notice things like that. You're basketball analogy is completely on point, I haven't considered it that way.

I am using my time right now to focus on me. I've been working on self-improvement, finding new hobbies, doing things around the house, spending time with friends, etc. All things I didn't really do when I was with my W, at least not often.

[Accuray]

let my W know that I'm sorry for not listening to her concerns over the last few months and that I should been more attentive. My W did mention to me once we got full custody of my son how hard everything is and that she's really struggling. Sadly, I ignored her calls for help.

Having full custody of a young child is hard for both of you -- not just her. Be careful not to assign yourself too much blame for how things unfolded.

A true apology is a statement of what you did wrong with an expression of remorse and nothing else. There can be no "but you..." or an expectation that it will lead to anything.

I suggest you write out your apology and save it as a draft and don't send it. It will be cathartic for you to get your feelings out.

Sending it to her right now will be interpreted as pursuit and set you back -- now is not the time.

you miss 100% of the shots you don't take

Totally agree with Amoafwl -- that quote is an excuse to justify your desire to pursue. You could say the same thing about attempting to run across the freeway but chances are you'll get run over.

The difficult action here is to give your W space! That is the hard thing to do because you have to actively resist your impulses every day. Stick at it -- that's the best path back.

Your mom is right, I'm sure both of you would appreciate apologies for wrongs both real and perceived but there is no hurry and it will not lead to reconciliation.

Acc

[apothem]

@Accuray - Once again, you give fantastic advice, thank you. You're right, it was tough for both of us and it's still tough for me. My son is having a difficult time right now coping and has been acting out so it's even more difficult. I do have him in therapy and are working on helping him.

I think I will write out an apology, something well thought out. I do feel a lot of remorse for my actions, or in some cases, inactions. I do agree that sending it now would be pursuing. It's just hard for me to know when the time is right, but I'll stick to the rule of will this make my situation worse or better. I also will likely be asking here as well for opinions. It can't hurt to get additional points of view.

I've been sticking to my guns when it comes to giving her space, and yes, it's super difficult and goes against everything my reflexes are telling me. But, I know it's for the best for both her and me.

[apothem]

Update: Well, that was quick. I just received an email from her. It's almost written like a business email, which sort of stings.

"Hey there,

I couldn't figure out how to connect the laptop to your printer, so I'm sending you a PDF of my student loan tax info. If you change your mind about doing my taxes, please don't hesitate to let me know. House looks great, by the way. Great job!

Thanks"

What's my reply here? Do I still file her taxes? Do I tell her thank you for noticing the house? I'm so confused right now

[apothem]

And now she just messaged me saying, "Hi, I was just checking in to see if you got my email."

So many emotions right now and I'm not sure what to say.