The Fight For Self Forever

[Dawgs]

Post of the day, sir. You are nothing short of awesome!

[ForGump]

CT, as always, an incredible journey you're on. So much pain, so much fight. Inspiring.

[Ginger1]

I want to congratulate you on hitting that year mark!

A year is huge, especially through what you have been through.

There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning.

[Woke_Up]

Some true words in there. Wow. Congrats on hitting that 1 year.

[CT1118]

I really just wanted this thread to be of some use to the members and/or visitors to the DB forum and truly did not seek to reply to comments on this thread, but.......first thank you all, yesterday was a big personal accomplishment. However, what truly motivated me to reply: thanks Ginger, you gave me a newly inspired tag and I only want my tags to be inherently true .

[Ginger1]

I really just wanted this thread to be of some use to the members and/or visitors to the DB forum and truly did not seek to reply to comments on this thread, but.......first thank you all, yesterday was a big personal accomplishment. However, what truly motivated me to reply: thanks Ginger, you gave me a newly inspired tag and I only want my tags to be inherently true .

I've never had anyone quote me before.... I am honored and humbled.

[CT1118]

Some of the punchline...

Also, thought you were from Connecticut!

I never really considered that this could be deduced when I chose the CT part of CT1118. I've been to Connecticut a few times FWIW, nice place - very clean for the North. Proudly, I am from Virginia (all over it); though I have lived in other states, to include Northern ones, I am back in VA for what appears to be more than a minute. CT could be other things to me, but mostly stands for two individual Latin words: C=circumferentia aka Circumference. T=triumphi aka Triumph. I was as confused, scared, and lost as the rest of us when I first got here - however, I had never chosen a handle for online post boards and I felt like the name mattered. I knew two things though...1-I was part of the problem and 2-I had to figure out why. Somehow being successful at going full circle on myself seemed reasonable.

1118 is more personal and has many coincidences in my life, the only one I will give away at this time is that my son's mother and I met partially due to the release of the Nirvana "MTV Unplugged in New York" album and that was released on November 18, 1993. Boring right? - OZ had curtains for a reason.

I was actually sorry to see the "D: Mar '17" on his signature. If there was any damn person on this board that was going to bust his divorce, it was going to be CT. He had a long and hard journey and I watched him get stronger and stronger with every post he made.

Thanks Matrix. I did get stronger because I listened here and I put the suggestions of the forum and the words to work. I also sought many outside sources beyond DR - from religion to science - to grandmothers - to strangers. Ultimately I did get divorced, but when that time came (this may be a very unpopular view here) I realized that was not part of my boundaries. That is not to say I simply let divorce happen.

As I stated in a newcomers blog recently:

Yes, this is where boundaries come in, but a common misconception is that boundaries are to defend the LBS from the WAS, they are not. The boundaries are inside of us and they are new boundaries we strive to achieve regarding our own behavior, not fences we place around others. Think about that for a moment, because how we frame our thoughts will make a difference.

For those who read my tale, I did experiment with hard lines, soft lines, retreating lines, flirting lines, no lines, so on - so fourth. In the end, one partner was set upon D and so it was. I wondered from the start if I was too late. As for me, I was fortunate enough to hear this on my second day here (when I was too shaken to feel it):

I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you.

Over time, was Cadet speaking to love or to marriage? An often stated thing here is that "the old marriage is dead". Well, mine was, so I let it go, with a fight, but let I let it go. I like to think that Cadet was speaking to love, I did not let that go.
Until then you have a chance, only then will it be too late.

I believed in this:

We can only fix our side of the street.

So I did. I fixed my side of the street. I only worried about my side, I made sure my side was usable. It only reinforced a statement that came before it:

Be gentle with yourself. This journey imo, never really ends. I believe that as people we continue to grow and evolve. You may find that you have mastered one thing today…and then months later realize that you still have a little work to do in an area or two.

Hence, the Fight For Self Forever. Since about June 2017 I have noticed she is coming back. Will I call it piecing? No. Perhaps my own insecurities there - as in don't declare victory until assured. However, will I say movement in my direction is assured - yes. For me, I'm not sure I cared about the M as much as I cared about her. What I came to realize is that the I, as in me, mattered more than anything else above. That re-attracted her. Too bad for me it cost the M, but the M did not cost the I, in fact, it bought it. Follow? Let me not suggest everyone go this far...but....there are boundaries and there are boundaries.

Her and I and S6 had Thanksgiving together, we will have Christmas together. Her and I have not had sx again yet, but we have kissed. I am cool with that slow rolling because I am cool with me. And I am cool. I don't need sx w her or any other woman to validate my cool a*s self. For more on that, read my old posts.
What I did learn was me. My boundary was to not let insecurity back into my life. My boundary was making sure I was cool with me. Only then would I vette another. And she has proven to me she has done the work on her...and for her...and for no other reason. Not cause I asked. Not cause I looked. Because I saw it in her actions, because I heard it in her words.

So this leaves me with this:

It's what we teach that matters....

While I have sought to directly teach in the past, I did not feel I was seeking that here. This was, as stated, simply part of the punchline, but I do hope it mattered to your personal hope. The way I felt comfortable displaying it. Not sure I will want to expand more on my my sitch in the future - but I'm confident this thread will know if I do.

DB board - wish you sleep, comfort, and whatever else can be there for you.
-CT1118

[AndrewP]

Interesting. I wonder if she has faced down the Chaos Kid that lived within her.

It sounds like you are doing well overall CT - thanks for stopping by with an update.

[Mach1]

Whats up rockstar ???

[Gordie]

CT—just re read your thread. Always inspiring. Hope you are well.