Also, I believe that such regular contact with W can stunt your growth by making your goals hazier as you react to her everyday comments, concerns, actions, compliments, etc.
If I see her during the day for whatever reason...I spend a decent amount of time at through out the day were I just analyze the interaction. She did this, she said that, she didn't do this, did I say something stupid etc...
So yeah, I think you are right. I'd be better off using that time thinking about GAL, or just being selfish and thinking about me and my day for once probably.
Excellent analogy by the way. I equate it to weight loss. I've had friends that I lifted with, and they would worry about how they looked every other day. But then when their family was in town once or twice a year, they would always be shocked on how different they lost...
That analogy alone is and will continue to be immensely helpful.
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But by being there, it ensures that she DOESNT have to be on her own. You are her shoulder to lean on to complain about her new environment.
I previously thought, although we were having constant interactions, it was more of a good friend atmosphere. So it somewhat counted towards taking a break. I wasn't pursuing, made no compliments, I was incredibly positive etc... So I thought I was gaining good time as far as 'giving her space'.
But you're saying the above is not really true or beneficial, and I'd get more bang for my buck by just hardly seeing her at all?
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When you say you 'wont allow it', what exactly do you mean? You said it made her more upset so how did the conversation continue? DID you allow it?
*Quick background on that- So in the past, I have always been the one who is trying to defusing the situation. During my last deployment I had some really close calls getting blown up and what not, so over time unknowingly I adopted this sort of 'don't sweat the small stuff' attitude. It just really put life in perspective.
So with that, like I was saying, I wasn't lazy or not present. But baring a major incident, I took A LOT to get me upset. So if a small, normal marriage 'fight' or argument happened, I was hardly ever the 'aggressor'. I hope that made any sense
So when I said that I "wouldn't allow it", this was very different. Instead of reacting to her demeanor & attitude by defusing and like a hostage negotiator at time... I took a more aggressive but defense route. I basically said something like "You asked me to help, I tried, and it didn't work and you started getting an attitude" She said "I even made sure I wasn't being a b***h" And this is basically the tipping point. I replied with "I did notice that, thank you! However you are still making this very hostile and your 'turning down, wasn't enough" ( her tone, raised voice, posture etc). This was all said extremely calm by me.
So in the past I would have defused and deflected, this time I met it head on and told her how I thought she was acting.
As soon as I said that last bit or "turning down..." That is when she gathered her stuff and within 45 seconds she was out the door.
So with not being hostile or raising my voice, I left the conversation open to continue... However, but not at the level of attitude she was bringing.
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So whats the long term plan? Are you going to have full custody?
We haven't spoke about this in almost 3 months. Even when she signed the lease, we never talked about it. She just asked if it was okay if the kids stayed here on X days and went to her place on Y days.
To be honest with you... I have no idea if I'd go for full custody. I am the full time caregiver of our 3, and have been for almost 2 years. W recognizes this as our D, clings to me and says things from time to time that are hurtful to W. She doesn't know what she's saying, she just speaks how she feels, i'm sure you can relate.
She just complimented me last night via text and said she is glad I'm her Daddy and wouldn't want anyone else to be their father. Comments like that throw me off for a bit.
But potential custody has not really been talked about, for more of a collective 20 minutes probably.
Sorry I rambled. Thank you for your reply. I check this thread like a giddy little teenager looking to soak it up. All the comments are so appreciated.
