Thank you for your response Jelly. I love you and I love hearing from you. And I cant wait to meet up again.
It might be that it is too early for the old me to come out.
But really, I feel like the process left me cold and empty. Like i have become my ex. Like I am DBing the new guy. Like I am keeping myself detached if that makes any sense. I can no longer communicate any needs at all (much like my ex)and am unsure what they even are. I think I feel so rejected, that I feel that being with me is a form of punishment. And its hard to accept that a guy wants to spend time with me.
To be honest, I wonder if it is my detachment that attracts guys.
I am thinking it out too much. I know that. But I feel very damaged by my relationship with my ex. How it was even before he left. The misogyny of ex's thinking. That underlying belief of me as the nagging wife that kept him from his happiness. And how it was part of his plight in life to appease the wife. Ugh, do you know how many times he joked about the "power of the triangle". A lot of times I believe that I was that nagging wife. But not really. That is not my personality. I am pretty confident that I am not a codependent personality by any stretch.
But I wasnt really a partner or even a friend to him. And i have to remember that. And its hard for me to trust that there are guys that want that. I am still not sure what to make of new guy.
