SD, I was doing that pattern for a while...putting out the bait and monitoring the response. It led me to extreme anxiety. Every time you make a bid for emotional connection or bid for intimacy, make sure that you are first "holding on to yourself" and not expecting any particular outcome. If she ignores or rejects the bid, then that's a choice she has made and like tim said, it has nothing to do with you.
You won't change that ignore/rejection pattern by confronting her on it. I learned this the hard way. For the 3 weeks that I was making a stink over my W's ignored/rejected bids, I put her into a state of anxiety where every nice thing I did became a "test" for her. When I asked to "cuddle naked" with my W last night, her entire body squirmed like she was sick despite the fact that she said yes. Her coerced "yes" was a result of my "pestering" her over rejected bids. I had to tell her that "feeling rejected" is now an illegal emotion in AtlantaDave's world and the she has many options without the fear of reprisal. I also let her know that my "desire" for her isn't because I "need" anything...it's just desire.
I think I've finally gotten the essence of how this works. You start making bids from a position of "want"...not "need" with no fear of outcome. You then maintain your cool regardless of the situation. You then start to disclose the things you want from her like "I want to ML to you". NOW it's different. In the past it was automatic and mindless (not that that is right). There's a different context to her rejection in that you are asking from a position that shows that you "want" it but don't "need" it. It's really hard to explain this. I think one way to look at it is how we would be more inclined to give a couple dollars to someone who looked like us than we would a panhandler...we value the judgement of our equals..not the lesser. By asserting your self from a "higher level" than she is at, she will see start to see her rejection as "her issue". When she sees that her choices illicit "judgement" rather than "hurt feelings", then she's going to get very nervous and possibly seek professional help or just start trying harder.
In general, you don't want to "guilt" them into having desire...the 2 are mutually exclusive. Today, you showed her that you "took it personally" that she "did something bad to you". These are what my high school shrink called "thinking errors". My new shrink keeps yelling "it's not about you Dave" that my W's behavior is "hers" and I should just keep "holding on to myself". It's just that we are compulsive "fixers".
Regroup, read PM, relax.
Be Cool
-Dave
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
