I understand your fear, anxiety, and increasing expectations. I am sure many of us have dreamt of having our WAS leave OP and wanting to return. You have received much sound advice. It is not my intent to add to your confusion, I just have the following.
From what I understand there should be a pretty severe withdrawl from OM2, and it should be happening soon. I have read different ideas on how to let the WAS get through this time, from letting them ride this out on their own, to being available to lessen their temptation to return to OP. Perhaps someone with more experience can speak to the pros and cons of each.
We are all here for you.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
When asked (outside of here) what his marital status was, his answer was...
Deliberately not divorced
That is where I see her in this.
Your fear is driving you Gordie...
Kudos to you for recognizing that.
I noticed that the name Jack Three Beans was mentioned above.
I can tell you, that Jack would tell you, to do what is best for you, regardless the outcome of the marriage.
To be the person that you need to be for you, regardless of the marriage.
I can also tell you that when Jack was faced with even stronger elements of renewing his marriage, that he was excited for life outside of it. He wanted her attempts to fail.
I see what is in front of you as being an opportunity to renew Gordie, regardless of the marriage.
THAT is what is most important...
I see this as a touch and go for her...
I see her wanting to dip her toes in the water, to see what it feels like.
What do you want her to see ?
The same Gordie that she wanted to leave ?
Or the new Gordie that is strong and independent, and has these (hopefully) new sets of relationship skills ???
A Gordie who isn't afraid to be alone..
A Gordie that can stand on his own....
A Gordie that she wants to pursue, not just tolerate...
I too side with Mach here ... I see it as a touch and go. I will not reply much to what Andrew said other than the advice I give you was hard learned, did it save my M no... but what it did do is it gave me a second chance at what looks to be a pretty good life on the other side.
To touch on your fear of doing things right, I am not so sure there is a wrong way to handle this crisis other than to go against things that are inevitably better for yourself in the long run. Keep in mind a stronger better version of Gordie is a win win regardless of the outcome of your M.
Read Machs above post again and really think about what you want out of all this, what you want to be.
I also agree w/what Mach posted to you the last few days. We can see things that you can't because you are too close to you situation.
I would stay the course. Start a new relationship w/her by being friends and casual dating, i.e., like when you first met her. If she truly means to stay the course for herself, she will do it...time will tell and it is on your side. Use your gift of time wisely and focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gordie, you have been given a lot of good advice. I think that this recent development is the direction you wanted and you got there through the actions you have been taking. When things START to go the direction you want, that is not the time to change direction. You need to stay the course because it seems to be taking things the right way.
That fear is natural and healthy given the circumstances, and so is recognizing it and pressing forward. I think you DO know what you need to do, but it is just hard because you are hearing SOME of what you wanted to hear and its been a while since that has happened. She isn't there yet, but this is a step in the direction you want. If you change now she will most likely step back.
Time is your friend. Stop panicking about how to playthis. I don'thhave time to say much so I will just make a few quick comments. Plus you have already good advice coming at you.
I posted the thread from Zeus in your last thread. Job has done so here. Reread it.
I don't think you should be categorique with W that you still want to be with her. Be open to it but not over eager. After a final weekend away she clicks her fingers and states terms for seeing how it goes. It isn't that simple. Don't make it so.
This is hugely positive and fair play to you for achieving it. But this isn't the final play of the match. Keep an eye on the game plan.
No one can decide for you, but in your place I would move out. Tell W you want to think about a possible reconciliation but only after you have moved out.
Don't feel guilty or worry about missing your chance. She cheated with two men, and filed for D. I say that to remind you that taking time and space is nothing compared to that. But also the fact that she still has a chance means you could too regardless of your next move.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}} I get being scared. Believe me. I don't think I breathed until after our D was finalized, and that was 20 months post BD. Then I promptly got sick and stayed sick for almost 6 months. DON'T DO THAT.
You're getting great advice. I will only say this: my new year's intention was that by Dec 31st, 2018 I want to look back at all the decisions I've made this year and have the bulk of them being made from a place of love not fear.
I share that in case it resonates with you. Take a deep breath, and please schedule something with your DB coach.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I understand your fear. I'm going to tell you a personal tidbit in relation to what your fears are.
In my M, I lived completely scared doing or saying the wrong thing. That I would make the wrong choice and he would run away or leave.
When he finally did, I realized if that was the outcome of me doing what is best for me, it doesn't mean I made the wrong choice.
I always knew in my heart of hearts from when I began dating him that if I stood up for myself, or made a choice that was in my best interest, he would probably leave. And he proved that to be true.
But is that love? Is that marriage? For them to only stick around if everything is on their terms? finding out the truth can be scary as he!!. If your W is truly in this, she will be all for doing this with you leaving the house and with compromises. I understand it is scary finding out that might not be how it is. But that doesn't mean it was the wrong choice.
This may be a bad example, being as I have only need in short term R's since my D, but I have learned that people don't run away if they meant to be here. That I can be honest about my needs. And if someone can just say "nah, nevermind" and walk away because there was no compromise, well, then they really didn't care enough did they? And I found that out in post D dating too. I want the person who believes I am worth compromise and staying. You should too, because you are worth it too.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
