Gordie #17: deliberately not divorced

[Gordie]

Thanks a ton for all of the support. Credit Mach for my new title. As Butterfly suggested, I met with my d b coach to talk things out in more depth. And as AndrewP suggested, I have also been consulting with my IRL friends who have also provided me with love and support along this journey.

New readers: in the last thread, we were on the brink of D and separation when W dropped OM2 and the D complaint. I’ve been trying to figure out if I should stay in the house or move out. W doesn’t want to be D, but she is still a long way from wanting to be M to me.

Notes from my D B call:

1. She’s still baking. She’s not paying attention to you. Everything is still about her. She’s got a lot more work to do on her own. Good sign that she could see through the fog that OM2 and D were not the answer to her problems. You can’t do anything to make her feel remorseful or want to recommit to the M. She has to come to that on her own.

2. Your LRT has made things better so keep doing what you have been doing. Do not pursue! Do not initiate R discussions or physical contact. Make her pursue you. She wants sex? Make her beg for it. Have no expectations.

3. You are really stressed out. You have considered all the pros and cons of staying and moving out. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’m concened about the kids if you move out. What will you say to them? They have asked you to stay.

4. Give yourself breathing room to calm down and collect yourself. It’s been less than a week since she dropped the D and OM2. You don’t have to make the decision today. Deciding not to decide is a decision. Make a decision when you feel you can make the right decision...for you and the kids.

5. Don’t stay or go because I told you to do so or anyone else did. Yes, this is a big decision so you need to own it. Let it be your decision. What does Gordie want? And you can change your mind. What you want today may be different in a week or a month.

6. Can you handle staying? This situation could last for a long time. How will you know when it's too much for you?

***

So the short answer is I’m not moving out tomorrow. I’m not ready to make that decision today. I know it goes against all of your hard earned wisdom, but I’m just not ready. I’m still a jumble of emotions—including fear—and it’s not a good place to make a big decision. But deciding today that I’m not deciding...lifted a weight off my shoulders. I feel better than I have all week.