So yeah, I thought having her at the house for X amount of time would be a good opportunity to show her these things thru actions... I'm assuming there is a better and smarter way to do this?
One metaphor that always helped me was something like this. If you are watching grass grow or paint dry, will you really notice it changing if you are staring at it the whole time? What about if you go on vacation for 4 weeks in the summer and come back to your house? My point is that the growth is far more impactful when you have actual made and implemented lasting change vs. continuously being 'in her face' with it.
Also, I believe that such regular contact with W can stunt your growth by making your goals hazier as you react to her everyday comments, concerns, actions, compliments, etc.
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Yes. I want to be available, however I do not want to be a doormat, back-up plan, or safety net. I'm not absolutely certain, but I think that since she went through with getting a place, she HAS to go out there and FAIL ON HER OWN. See that the grass isn't as green sort of thing. So I guess me 'being here' emotionally and physically, assures me that when/if she falls, we'll be able to reconnect.
But by being there, it ensures that she DOESNT have to be on her own. You are her shoulder to lean on to complain about her new environment. I think your update below that she isnt coming over so regularly will be good for you.
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She asked for my help with something online, I tried but it required a phone call and of course it was like a 30 min wait. She was getting irritated because it needed to get done, but started snapping at me. I simply and very calmly told her "Hey, you asked for my help and we tried... I don't need and won't allow the attitude" This made her more upset (a stance and reaction that rarely comes from me) but I acted like it was nothing and I wasn't bothered. So she quickly got her stuff and went to her place.
Im not sure you should have been the one sacrificing a half hour to do this task. But I think standing up for yourself was a good move. When you say you 'wont allow it', what exactly do you mean? You said it made her more upset so how did the conversation continue? DID you allow it?
See, to me, those words are focused on controlling her. "SHE" is the one that has to change because you say so. A better wording, I think, is to say that if she continues to act like that, then you will XXX/YYY/ZZZ....basically that you are going to leave if she keeps at that. Rather than saying what she has to do, its more about how YOU are going to respond to HER.
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She doesn't have traditional weekend days, but this past weekend was her first time, where all the kids were over there. She only has them for about 1.5 days bc of school and work hours.
So whats the long term plan? Are you going to have full custody?
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I may have said something like this previously...But I am very worried that if I am not so available and all our interactions are based on something children related...Then I am just moving her more towards a D. The longer we go thru motions of divorced parents (child drop off, really no communication etc.) - the easier it will be for her to go that route.
I think thats just your fear talking. My opinion is to make every interaction with her a showcase of your best self. But anything other than what you are describing only serves as a reminder to her of feelings she doesnt have for you right now and pushes her away.
