Quote: Is it the sort of book that an LDW might benefit from?
Unequivocally, yes. Even if she doesn't read it. Does that sound cryptic? Keep in mind, I'm not quite finished the book yet, and each evening, I read more, and I learn more. Last night, I got far enough to begin to really understand the process. Chapter 13 deals with the process itself, in detail, including theory. It talks about the "Comfort Cycle" and the "Growth Cycle". It pictures these cycles as concentric circles, with the Comfort Cycle as the inner circle. The comfort cycle includes security, safety and stability, but also boredom, dissatisfaction, etc. The growth cycle includes self-confrontation, self-soothing, differentiation, GROWTH, and risk. The point is made that differentiation is always unilateral, even if both partners enter the growth cycle together. The growth cycle is entered when one or both partners become sufficiently uncomfortable with the status quo that the pain of remaining there is greater than the pain brought on by growth. The pain of growth includes loss, because always there is a choice between two things, and something must be left behind. If all goes well, then the thing that is left behind is the "old" self. In other words, truly knowing WHO YOU ARE, is really knowing WHO YOU ARE BECOMING. So the LDW doesn't actually have to read the book... the moment you go into the growth cycle, she will be pulled in almost by default. The reason is, that you will be acting or doing something different - you will not be reacting the same way to the same situations, and she will have to either confront herself and grow, or leave. That is the crux of it. Not all confrontations are quite that dramatic, of course, because not all issues are deal-breakers for the marriage, but whenever one partner differentiates, or grows a new self, the other must grow as well, or things become unstable. That is called reaching Critical Mass. You'll be amazed at some of the stories in the book, and the amount of courage displayed by even apparently very broken people, when faced with a true "critical mass" situation. The other point is that this is a lifelong process, you don't just do it once and you're done. In fact, the first time couples encounter this, there are usually a number of issues that must be dealt with, and they are dealt with in sequence, so they find themselves going back and forth rapidly between the growth and comfort cycles. Hope this is helpful...
