Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[rminer]

Hmm, on the contrary I would empower them to speak up to your W and establish boundaries about how they will and will not be treated. By advising them to give your W space and not argue, you're basically telling them to just roll over and accept whatever treatment they're given. I don't think that's a good message for them.

I agree with what you are saying here and that is the way I was leaning. I told them that mainly to buy a little time until I could figure out how they should handle it.

Another thing I have to ask is if your W is the homeschool teacher?

Yes, she is.

It would probably also be good to get them out of the house for several hours a day given everything that's going on.

They are M-F they have evening activities they do (Dance, Karate, etc.) Problem is, W takes them three days per week, I take them two. My work schedule doesn't have me home in time to go more.

D14 and S8 have been asking me to take them out to the movies and other places lately, so we have plans for Saturday night, just the three of us. I think they are feeling the pressure at home and want to get away, just as you said.

Are you open to having them attend school?

I am and have considered it. W would not go for it in any way, shape or form. In order to do it I would have to figure out a way to get it accomplished and get the W on board. I have to be at work before school starts and don't get home until well after school is out, so she could easily stop it if she is not in agreement.

Honestly, I think that is one of the things keeping her from moving out/filing for D. She would have to get a job and put the kids in school.

4) That's not the point, D21 isn't playing a game to try to entice W back, she's trying to express how she feels. That should be the focus. W doesn't like it? Too bad.

I ask that not because I am afraid of W getting further away from me, although I am. I ask because I don't want her getting further away from the kids. As I said, she has always been an awesome mother and D21 has always been very close to her. I don't want a situation like in my family. My older sibling still will not willingly talk to our father because of the way he treated/cheated on our mother. I don't want that to happen here.

You've become programmed to defer to your wife, accept her abuse, and put her needs and feelings above your own.

I finished reading sandi2's threads "Help for LBH who has a WW." I never realized that what you are saying there is true until I read those threads. I have always put her, what she wanted and her feelings first. I rarely told her how I was feeling because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (not that I have never hurt her feelings. I have, inadvertently). I am definitely guilty of helping to create the monster I have on my hands now.

Continuing to act that way while your W is off the reservation is going to make your situation worse and will be a bad example for your kids, but you're not going to be able to stop doing it alone, your whole perspective of "the right thing to do" is off center based upon how you've been treated and how you've been living.

I see that. It is the way I grew up, so I have always accepted it as "normal" I guess. I am seeing that she is like my father (and hers) in many ways.

The good news is that I am standing up to her more. The two times I have needed to in the past week (since the blow up), I have stood my ground and got my point across. I wouldn't say that they were perfect replies, but she got the point that I wasn't going to take her crap. It is a work in progress though.


Thanks, Acc.