She is sleeping at a different house and you are letting her come and go as she pleases as if this is 'normal'??
You are right, this is absolutely far from 'normal' behavior. I think I justified it in my head because I was just happy to spend any sort of time with her. Also I guess its a sort of normalcy.
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What I mean is that if you let her come over and play with the kids and hang out as friends whenever she wants to, what reason does she have to move you back into 'husband' territory? Shes already getting exactly what she wants!
Just till pretty recently, I have been consciously GAL, keeping attitude upbeat, confident and overall the guy I used to be. I think that allowing her to come over before work or whenever, it's an opportunity to show these changes. And she has recently complemented me on some new clothes, or asked where this recently found cockiness came from (not in a bad way). So yeah, I thought having her at the house for X amount of time would be a good opportunity to show her these things thru actions... I'm assuming there is a better and smarter way to do this?
^^^By the way, your "moving back into 'husband' territory" got the hamster wheel spinning again. That is very well said.^^^
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I feel like you are willing to be her safety net as she learns to walk on her own
Yes. I want to be available, however I do not want to be a doormat, back-up plan, or safety net. I'm not absolutely certain, but I think that since she went through with getting a place, she HAS to go out there and FAIL ON HER OWN. See that the grass isn't as green sort of thing. So I guess me 'being here' emotionally and physically, assures me that when/if she falls, we'll be able to reconnect.
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So, how about next time, you have other things to do in the morning when she comes over? Or what about the parenting schedule -- are the kids going over to her place at night, or is she just being a 'daytime mom'?
I like that and it makes sense. A little has changed in the past 2 days. She had a very early doc appointment so she finally brought most of her make-up & hair stuff to the other place. So she isn't getting ready over here any more.
We had a slight argument this past week, and it was the last time she came over in the AM to see D and get ready. Long story short- She asked for my help with something online, I tried but it required a phone call and of course it was like a 30 min wait. She was getting irritated because it needed to get done, but started snapping at me. I simply and very calmly told her "Hey, you asked for my help and we tried... I don't need and won't allow the attitude" This made her more upset (a stance and reaction that rarely comes from me) but I acted like it was nothing and I wasn't bothered. So she quickly got her stuff and went to her place.
She doesn't have traditional weekend days, but this past weekend was her first time, where all the kids were over there. She only has them for about 1.5 days bc of school and work hours.
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How painful it must be to sit with the person you love day in and day out knowing that they are just going to leave you again at the end of the day.
Yeah, its one of the hardest emotional things I've had to deal with. Lots of emotions on both ends come up.
I may have said something like this previously...But I am very worried that if I am not so available and all our interactions are based on something children related...Then I am just moving her more towards a D. The longer we go thru motions of divorced parents (child drop off, really no communication etc.) - the easier it will be for her to go that route.
Thank you again so much for your input, it does not fall on deaf ears, just need guidance/thoughts on how to apply it.
