I had to take some time off the boards. When things seem to be ok at home, it seems to be a little easier not to read up on all the horrible things happening to us. I kind of feel selfish in that regard and I am sorry for that. I know everyone here needs support, and I know I can help with that...even if only a little here and there.
So, I am back because I feel like I need to journal a little.
To catch up from my last post, things have been going well lately. Oh we aren't all better or anything, but she seems to be trying to make things work so home life has been ok. The problem is, and I saw it coming this time, is that she is still cycling up and down. I'm trying not to start any R talks, but occasionally conversations get close to something of depth and I get to see how twisted her thinking still is...despite her attempts to play nice and wear her happy mask. Its so hard to read because she doesn't have an OM, she isn't living elsewhere, and she isn't going out partying all the time. This is what she was doing at the beginning of replay, so when that stopped I felt that she was transitioning to another stage. I now feel that her replay behavior has just shifted to other things.
She still doesn't wear a wedding ring because she feels like she would just be wearing it because I want her to because I don't trust her and am jealous. She tells her friends and family that she loves them, but never to me. Not even to reciprocate when I do (not that I am doing that anymore, but every once in a while). She will say she loves me if we have a R talk, but those are getting fewer and further between. She suggests that I don't ever ask her on dates which is why we don't spend time together, but when I do she reschedules till we just don't go out. She schedules all kinds of things for herself and does not invite me (bike rides, museum events with her brothers, etc). She also does little things for me which keep me confused. She will bring me coffee in the morning or ask me if I want a glass of wine in the evening. Nothing big, but slightly caring.
I say all this to express that although I didn't see it before, I am now realizing that her replay actions have just gotten a little more mild...but I think that's still where she is. I don't think hers is linear though. I think she is experiencing overlapping stages back and forth.
Its just hard because things seemed to be going well, but the last day or so seems to have caught her on a down cycle. I wish I could just detach more. Her moods aren't affecting me as much, but I do often think about leaving. I don't think I can, but i often think it might be good for me. I just don't want to live in a loveless marriage and I don't think I can get passed this without her being remorseful towards me...and that isn't happening right now. I have always seen my future with her in it and us growing old and happy together. As the days go by, that is becoming harder and herder for me to envision. I feel like I have to talk myself in to getting a grasp on things every single day. It is so hard to distract myself.
I don't want to cycle with her anymore but I just can't quite detach. I guess I am better than I was a few months ago, but I am so tired of feeling like this!!
