DB Advice to a newbie

[Subitai]

I had several "Uncertain, several paths forward" discussions with the WaW, but they never, ever meant she was waffling. I was certain in the moment that they were. They were not. It meant she was feeling guilty, sad, and upset about everything, but not that she was waffling. You have to be patient. GAL and DBing does not mean ignoring your wife, or being cold or mean. Be friendly. Fix your issues. Be good for your kids and yourself. Keep the road back to you smooth. A lot of the more aggressive things are for WWs, not WaWs, where you're dealing with abuse and disrespect. If she's being respectful, you don't need to cut off contact. You DO, however, need to detatch, which means not pursuing. Pursuing every little sign of waffling just makes them re-visit the reasons they had for leaving as they need to 're justify' themselves again and again. So you're encouraging and training going back over the reasons for leaving, not encouraging them to think of the reasons for staying.

I have made this mistake MANY times. Without this board, I would have made it many more times, and be doing even worse, trying to pursue her and force her to stay.

When I am giving her space, things get easier between us. When I am pressuring her, things get more and more tense and painful for her. The road gets bumpier, not smoother.