I just need some advice on how I should approach this seperation. We cannot even have a lm adult conversation and plan and schedule because my W refuse to speak with me for more then 5 minutes.
When our spouses leave and we feel that undeniable loss of control over our lives, we panic and convince ourselves that the fastest way to restore our control is to get our spouse back NOW, and then also convince ourselves that pursuing them is the way to do it.
If you had a friend who wanted to start dating a woman but was having trouble getting noticed, what would you advise?
Would you tell him to buy her gifts, send her messages, write long letters expressing his feelings, do her favors, and accept any treatment she chose to give him?
Where would that likely lead?
So if that wouldn't work, why would pursuing a wayward spouse have any chance of working?
Don't beat yourself up, everyone does the same thing, and it never, ever works.
What if you told your friend to be mysterious, self-confident and happy? To lead a life that anyone would want to be part of?
See, the thing about that advice, is that even if the woman doesn't notice, your friend is in a pretty good place right?
Regarding your separation, you're right, you can't have an adult conversation with her.
She decided at some point that she wanted to get away, and when you pursued her you made her fear that you weren't going to let her go. That set you up as adversaries where she wants her freedom and sees you as dedicated to depriving her of it.
Therefore, when she looks at you now, her first thought is getting away, or avoiding you.
If you stop chasing her, and she truly believes that you no longer care if she comes back or not, then you will be safe for her to approach and you *will* be able to have an adult conversation with her, provided you don't start pursuing again.
How long will that take?
It depends on how well you can stick to not pursuing her, and at least *appearing* to be happy and self-confident to the point that she believes your happiness is no longer tied to what she does or doesn't do.
If you can't pull that off, it will take forever. If you head the other way starting tonight, it may not take long at all before you can at least talk to each other about logistics.
For your separation, I would forget trying to have a discussion with her. Instead, I would figure out how you want logistics to work related to the kids and *tell* her how things are going to work. If you can't have a conversation in person, write it down or send it in an email. Be definitive -- this is how things are going to work. Don't ask questions, don't leave things open ended.
She can either say "fine" and go with it, or she can disagree. If she disagrees, don't get pulled into an argument. Tell her that you told her how you think things should be handled. If she doesn't like it, she should propose something different, but you're not going to get into an argument of each point of your proposal.
She wants her space -- you need to give it to her. The sooner you can do that, the better things will be. The shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
