Hello to all... i’ve been lurking for a few weeks but ultimately decided to join due to my W moving into her own place on Friday. Mid November my W told me she was unhappy in our marriage, she said she couldn’t explain why she was unhappy, she firmly stated that I have been a good father & husband but that she lmbnilwm.
I pleaded and begged her to work on things with me and she agreed but no less then a week she told me that she was not committed to working on things because she is so unhappy...since then she has become so cold and selfish, she barely spends anytime with our kids, and frequently goes out clubbing with her sister on the weekends.
Before lurking the forums I was trying to do everything possible to make her stay (doing all of the housework-giving her space- buying her gifts) I now see that some of the things I was doing were not helping. I just need some advice on how I should approach this seperation. We cannot even have a lm adult conversation and plan and schedule because my W refuse to speak with me for more then 5 minutes.
I’ve read so many comments about detaching and going dark but how can this be done with kids? Once she moves out I will literally be seeing her everyday because she will be picking up the kids once she gets off work ( he kids are staying with me)
I don’t know what to do and how to approach this situation moving forward.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I’ve read so many comments about detaching and going dark but how can this be done with kids? Once she moves out I will literally be seeing her everyday because she will be picking up the kids once she gets off work ( he kids are staying with me)
No, you cant go COMPLETELY dark while you have kids.
But how much contact do you need? I would say in general, there is a difference between logistical, business-like communication and friendly banter. The latter you can clearly cut out.
How old are the kids? Whats your detailed plan for the schedule? It sounds like it was difficult to develop - is it set? That will help us give some advice.
I just need some advice on how I should approach this seperation. We cannot even have a lm adult conversation and plan and schedule because my W refuse to speak with me for more then 5 minutes.
When our spouses leave and we feel that undeniable loss of control over our lives, we panic and convince ourselves that the fastest way to restore our control is to get our spouse back NOW, and then also convince ourselves that pursuing them is the way to do it.
If you had a friend who wanted to start dating a woman but was having trouble getting noticed, what would you advise?
Would you tell him to buy her gifts, send her messages, write long letters expressing his feelings, do her favors, and accept any treatment she chose to give him?
Where would that likely lead?
So if that wouldn't work, why would pursuing a wayward spouse have any chance of working?
Don't beat yourself up, everyone does the same thing, and it never, ever works.
What if you told your friend to be mysterious, self-confident and happy? To lead a life that anyone would want to be part of?
See, the thing about that advice, is that even if the woman doesn't notice, your friend is in a pretty good place right?
Regarding your separation, you're right, you can't have an adult conversation with her.
She decided at some point that she wanted to get away, and when you pursued her you made her fear that you weren't going to let her go. That set you up as adversaries where she wants her freedom and sees you as dedicated to depriving her of it.
Therefore, when she looks at you now, her first thought is getting away, or avoiding you.
If you stop chasing her, and she truly believes that you no longer care if she comes back or not, then you will be safe for her to approach and you *will* be able to have an adult conversation with her, provided you don't start pursuing again.
How long will that take?
It depends on how well you can stick to not pursuing her, and at least *appearing* to be happy and self-confident to the point that she believes your happiness is no longer tied to what she does or doesn't do.
If you can't pull that off, it will take forever. If you head the other way starting tonight, it may not take long at all before you can at least talk to each other about logistics.
For your separation, I would forget trying to have a discussion with her. Instead, I would figure out how you want logistics to work related to the kids and *tell* her how things are going to work. If you can't have a conversation in person, write it down or send it in an email. Be definitive -- this is how things are going to work. Don't ask questions, don't leave things open ended.
She can either say "fine" and go with it, or she can disagree. If she disagrees, don't get pulled into an argument. Tell her that you told her how you think things should be handled. If she doesn't like it, she should propose something different, but you're not going to get into an argument of each point of your proposal.
She wants her space -- you need to give it to her. The sooner you can do that, the better things will be. The shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I’ve read so many comments about detaching and going dark but how can this be done with kids? Once she moves out I will literally be seeing her everyday because she will be picking up the kids once she gets off work ( he kids are staying with me)
No, you cant go COMPLETELY dark while you have kids.
But how much contact do you need? I would say in general, there is a difference between logistical, business-like communication and friendly banter. The latter you can clearly cut out.
How old are the kids? Whats your detailed plan for the schedule? It sounds like it was difficult to develop - is it set? That will help us give some advice.
two kids D-12 S-5. As for as contact, the only plan my wife has suggested is that she come by the house after she gets off of work and spends time with kids at our house...i don't know if this will actually happen because everything out of her mouth the last month has been either a lie or a fake commitment. Her relationship with our D has been rocky throughout this whole ordeal because she doesn't spend time with the kids, either she's not home or on the couch watching tv
Regarding your separation, you're right, you can't have an adult conversation with her.
this has been driving me crazy these past few weeks...after the gifts and doing nice things didn't work, i began to realize that this separation was really happening, so i tried to have some sort of dialogue so that we could be on the same page for the sake of the kids...but NO my W is acting like a complete child
One of the things that i found so attractive about my W when we started dating was that she was so humble and reasonable...i don't recognize those attributes in her anymore, instead all i see is a selfish, me first attitude.
two kids D-12 S-5. As for as contact, the only plan my wife has suggested is that she come by the house after she gets off of work and spends time with kids at our house...
You may want to reconsider her coming over to your house, that she left, and spending time with the kids there. I think it would be much better for you, and your state of mind, if she came to pick the kids up and then took them to her place.
It is really hard to detach from someone, when they are always around. Heck, your kids are old enough that your W doesn't even need to come in to get them, they could go out to meet her.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
W said she was going to Walmart to grab something at 9pm...it’s now 11:30 pm and she still is not home...I’m so fed up. I feel like taking all her stuff and throwing it outside. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from her
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
