Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[Accuray]

This is when D21 started talking. A lot. She told me how she felt about the situation and that her mother “needs to stop acting like a child” and get “over herself.” She also said that she couldn’t believe anyone could destroy their family the way my W was. She also couldn’t understand how a mother could hurt her kids like this, especially D14 and S8. They both also told me that they are tired of my W’s “party girl” attitude and that the last time my W asked D21 to play taxi service to the younger kids, she replied (in a text message) “Why? So you can go out drinking again?” My wife didn’t reply and wouldn’t talk to her for days after that. I tried to explain to them that my W is not in a good place right now, so we need to give her some space to sort it out. Arguing with her was not going to do any good.

Hmm, on the contrary I would empower them to speak up to your W and establish boundaries about how they will and will not be treated. By advising them to give your W space and not argue, you're basically telling them to just roll over and accept whatever treatment they're given. I don't think that's a good message for them.

They shouldn't be passive aggressive, they shouldn't be disrespectful, but they *should* absolutely stand up for themselves.

Another thing I have to ask is if your W is the homeschool teacher? If so, it may make sense to put them in a regular school given her current state of mind. It would probably also be good to get them out of the house for several hours a day given everything that's going on.

Are you open to having them attend school?

In terms of your questions:

1) No, she won't care what you have to say about it

2) No. The kids should stand up for themselves and you should back them up if your W is acting inappropriately toward them or speaking inappropriately toward them.

3) D21 should feel empowered to express how she's feeling however she wants to do it, including via text. You should not be in the middle of that as if W feels you're influencing D21 she will disregard what D21 has to say.

4) That's not the point, D21 isn't playing a game to try to entice W back, she's trying to express how she feels. That should be the focus. W doesn't like it? Too bad.

I strongly suggest you get some DB coaching or "nice guy" coaching via in-person or over the telephone one on one.

You've become programmed to defer to your wife, accept her abuse, and put her needs and feelings above your own.

Continuing to act that way while your W is off the reservation is going to make your situation worse and will be a bad example for your kids, but you're not going to be able to stop doing it alone, your whole perspective of "the right thing to do" is off center based upon how you've been treated and how you've been living.

You need outside perspective and just trying to get it here is not enough. Talk to a pro -- in person -- to help you. W's behavior is not okay. You enabling W's behavior is not okay either.

You need to change your point of reference on this situation and you will need help to do that.

Acc