She has been coming over though, most mornings and see’s the boys off to school. Then she has about 3 hours before she needs to get ready for work, which we’ve just been doing the normal thing. Watching a movie, playing with our D. At first it was like she is only sleeping there, and we spent almost all day at our house hanging as a family.
So what is your long term plan here? To me, this feels like a tremendous amount of cake eating. She can have whatever relationship with you that she wants with no repercussions. She is sleeping at a different house and you are letting her come and go as she pleases as if this is 'normal'??
How do you value yourself if this is what you are willing to accept? I believe that your relationship is important and that your marriage is extremely valuable. That said, letting her do as she wants is not the way to save it. Think about it this way - if she can do anything she wants, what incentive is there to make a change? What I mean is that if you let her come over and play with the kids and hang out as friends whenever she wants to, what reason does she have to move you back into 'husband' territory? Shes already getting exactly what she wants!
Not to mention, there has already been one EA. Who knows what else she is doing. Im not suggesting that you ask her as she would lie to you anyway. My point is that likely, given this arrangement, there is someone else or there will be someone else at some point. I feel like you are willing to be her safety net as she learns to walk on her own - I havent seen many (any?) successful reconciliations where the man allows himself to be treated like a doormat.
So, how about next time, you have other things to do in the morning when she comes over? Or what about the parenting schedule -- are the kids going over to her place at night, or is she just being a 'daytime mom'?
Originally Posted By: Kilo
My biggest question/worry is how I handle every day or interaction. Im so sick and tired and emotionally drained from analyzing every word thats said and wondering if I did this or that wrong, said the right thing.
You can see the physical, mental, and emotional stress that this is putting you under. So why dont you put a stop to it? How painful it must be to sit with the person you love day in and day out knowing that they are just going to leave you again at the end of the day.
So it's time to break your co-dependency. She left the house - it is yours now. You dont HAVE to entertain her every morning. In fact, I think youd be much better making yourself more scarce and finding your own things to do - work on the house, take up some hobbies, get a part time job, volunteer at the kids school....whatever. Find something that you can be passionate about and do it.
Originally Posted By: Kilo
I have already grown from this, but I’d be an absolute fool to not try my damn hardest to save my family.
Of course. Heres an important tip - "Work smarter, not harder."
Sometimes that means that killing yourself to say you "tried hard" isnt good for anyone or your relationship. Right now, there isnt anything you can do 'for' her. Time, patience, and a deep self-reflection and personal growth are the best things for your marriage.
