Wife wont admit to affair, its driving me nuts! 2

[Vanilla]

I dont know what your WW thinks,scrambled eggs for brains.

If you look to online dating so soon then you may be in for a shock, those cute girls aren't always cute girls!

And you are vulnerable.

V

[Surfer]

Morbo,

Did the same. Stalked (not sure I like the phrase - but I will use it) on Tinder and plenty of fish.

Reality is I never followed up. I think I was probably dipping my toe in to see if I had any 'feelings' for that sort of thing. I didn't clearly. Also, V is right, best meeting someone in a normal way (through friends, bumping into someone and talking like a human).

So where did you get to on the night our/dinner etc thing?

Surfer.

[Morbo]

Surfer said

Did the same. Stalked (not sure I like the phrase - but I will use it) on Tinder and plenty of fish.

Reality is I never followed up

Yep, I still look at it occasionally just to see whats out there.
I do nothing about it, although I did message a couple girls a few weeks back. I couldnt seem to find the energy to reply and get something started and get the ball rolling. Its really unfair to them as Vanilla said, I'm definitely just confused and going to break some hearts lol

So where did you get to on the night our/dinner etc thing?

So, W came over to house after work and met my parents which was actually pretty awkward. My dad does not like her at all. Even without the revelations about her affair he was just not eager to see her at all. It was weird..anyway

We went out for food. Not a great atmosphere and strained between us.
She just talked about her job and how much money she will be making and her new business trips away. I'm still a kids music teacher/musician which I have always loved but all the money/corporate bs talk just leaves me cold and makes me feel inadequate.
Also was talking about her male friend boss , probable OM although
she admits nothing, lol. She says that they hang out at his place, light a fire sometimes and they just talk and she obvs goes home alone, LMFAO

Anyway, I wasnt drinking, she had a wine, we finished and then went to a bar. I think I got an eye roll from her when I suggested that but not sure. The bar was better, I took it easy , I sipped a beer.
Convo was ok for a while. Then she had a 3rd whiskey and she started nagging.
She talked about all the bad things I'd done in the past, the present and then started nagging me about who I was going to date in the future. FFS, I cant win!! She's just so jealous about who I might possibly date, its consuming her. She just would not let it go, it was exhausting.

I kinda was done at that stage and wanted to leave plus she was starting to cry and get really emotional at the bar and I was getting LOTS of dirty looks. THIS is a reason I didnt want to go out with her the last year or so because this is what ALWAYS happened. So we fought all the way back in the car and sat in a car park where it just went on and on in circles of bulls**t.

I'm just done with it tbh.
I'm never going to go out with her and at least try unless she..

1 Stops drinking and realizes she has a problem.
2 Stops bringing up the past and she just melts my brain.. lol
3 Starts seeing a doctor and gets meds(or whatever).
4 Stops seeing OM or whatever she's doing.
5 Actually genuinely wants to give things a go.

I'm done really and want to just tell her its OVER.
She wont do it, not sure if she can let me go.
She's confused, hasnt mentioned D at all and I just dont know what the hell this is..I know if I didnt have kids with her, 12 years and some genuinely amazing times together I'd be definitely gone.
Ugggh

[petri]

Morbo buddy! Keep on detaching. It's not your problem if she can't let go and realise what she's missing out on. Is there a saying in english about eating the cake and having it too? Isn't that what's going on here? Just keep it up! You got this!

[Morbo]

Petri said

Morbo buddy! Keep on detaching. It's not your problem if she can't let go and realise what she's missing out on.

You're totally right man, I know it!!
I've been doing NC and detaching and I only talked very briefly to her over last 2 weeks while collecting kids. We said we'd try this "date" thing, whatever THAT was. Like whatever about the past, which you have to let go of...to actually accuse me of stuff that hasnt even happened yet is a special kind of crazy..haha.

She just melted my f**kin brain, life is too short, its not worth it.
I'll keep NC and I'm not going out with her again unless I can see that she's remorseful, really wants to actually sensibly and not just rant at me and ALSO, there is no alcohol involved.
I dont see it happening soon and thats totally fine with me, I tried!!

[Vanilla]

Of course you have no control over another.

So those unless points are giving her control over you. This can be about you not WW. This isn't about what WW will or won't do I is it?

So what do you want?

What would your M look like if you could have it.

V

[Surfer]

Morbo,

All very familiar stuff. WW doesn't have a drink problem (but I've done plenty of holding back the hair as she is sick in the past - ha ha), however your point 2 was a killer for me too.

Taking on board V's points, how about sating I would like a relationship where:

I'm never going to go out with her and at least try unless she..

1 My W is able to stay in control of her drinking or stop.
2 I am not constantly feeling incapable of escaping my mistakes (no matter how small) - this is a killer in any relationship, constantly digging up old bones etc - this is clear abuse BTW.
3 My W is getting the support she needs.
4 My W is faithful.
5 My W chooses me over others.

This is not unreasonable to say. Would you chose a partner for your kids that has a drink problem and is abusive and has some 'issues' and is unfaithful and chooses others over them. No of course not, it would be ridiculous to choose this partnership.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

How are you doing Morbo?

V

[Morbo]

THIS

1 My W is able to stay in control of her drinking or stop.
2 I am not constantly feeling incapable of escaping my mistakes (no matter how small) - this is a killer in any relationship, constantly digging up old bones etc - this is clear abuse BTW.
3 My W is getting the support she needs.
4 My W is faithful.
5 My W chooses me over others.

This is not unreasonable to say. Would you chose a partner for your kids that has a drink problem and is abusive and has some 'issues' and is unfaithful and chooses others over them. No of course not, it would be ridiculous to choose this partnership.

You nailed it Surfer dude, ha!

Vanilla said

How are you doing Morbo?

V

Thank you for asking, I appreciate it.

Not been on here much except to read over some resources.
I would like to give more advice to newbies but I dont feel I have
the skills, insight and distance from my marriage to do that quite yet. I still am up and down a lot emotionally.

A lot of anger came back this week.
W is so clever she almost had me put her back on the family whatsapp. My clever sisters said they were having none of it, smart girls!
She had me doubting myself again, still vehemently denies ANY affair(which I know is BS). It just gets tiring. I know she was up with him again last week. Its just laughable now. I even really laid it on the line a few weeks back that we should try to start again but she truly does not give a f**k. I know, I know , I look weak.

With distance I really started thinking about what she's done.
One example which really got to me.
The time last year dec 2016 when she was supposed to be in work but went secretly away for a day with her boss, long drive, winery and food, his house for a few hours AND was late home.
Dont know why but finally the gravity and TRUTH of this hit home this week.
She actually had me believing that it was all innocent, just friends, LMAO. She is a master manipulator, its so easy for her to
make me doubt myself, make me think I'm the bad guy. Even ever after I found all the things about her at Xmas, I STILL doubted myself.
I'm an idiot but truth is finally getting through with distance and reflection.


Family are still over here. W is realizing what she's lost finally.
My dad actually cant look at her, she disgusts him. My mom hasnt much good to say either although W and her had a good talk on the porch last week. It made my W happy, I think she wants to justify everything but my mom does not trust her. I also found out that my mother went to W's work in 2011(she'd forgotten something)
and W was very clingy, touch feely with first EA dirtbag. W was pretty shocked and embarrassed.

So, keeping NC, angry and just disgusted by W and her constant lies
and manipulation. I feel sadness now for the death of what I thought was an amazing marriage/friendship.
Trying to GAL a lot and busy with work and kids anyway.

One other thing, would like advice.
I've had interest from another woman, just hanging out, going for coffee or gigs occasionally.
Really nice person and I think would like to go out and talk to someone interesting.
She seems cool with casual dating and I'll be totally honest, thats
where I'm at too.
I miss female companionship. I like hanging out with women and unlike my W, I have never been inappropriate with other women,
emotionally or otherwise.
Thoughts?

[Vanilla]

Thanks for the catch up.

Firstly the easy topic, posting to Newbies. Posting when you are slightly further down the line is VERY helpful TO Newbies. You have the benefit of raw experience and can comfort. Especially if the posters sitch resonates with you. This will also benefit you too, it helps put your own thoughts in order and I can say from personal experience is vital in healing. Any miss thoughts and others will post, it's also good to know that others have similar analysis. This is very different from posting to your tribe who travel in real time with you.

Secondly dating, my thoughts are not to date too soon. Really it's not ready time, it takes a minimum of one month for each of the R to recover. Any decent partner won't be interested in an unrecovered rebound R anyway. You can leave a devastation and such R often don't work out. The other risk is that you pick the same sort of person again. To do so can be unhealthy if there has been no IC. An abuse recovery journey is slow, much slower than other journeys. And this will really confuse your kids. Someone cool with casual dating would ring bells and fly red flags to me.

V