Long story. I have been married for 16 years and we have 3 beautiful D's- 13, 9., 5. 12 years ago I gave someone my phone number but there was no real EA no kissing or anything just in a really bad place. We went to therapy for a while to work on this and our own traumas. Mine is abandonement and he stonewalls. He shuts me out all the time, often for weeks, when he feels unsafe which triggers my abandonement issues. One of my issues has been telling little white lies. They are never anything major but I tend to do it when I begin to feel abandoned. The past three years, every 6 months, he would get triggered and shut down for weeks. No communication until I called the therapist and then I had to drag H in and save our marriage. We have had this cycle every 6-8 months for over 2 years. We have a good friendship and I really love him. This past August he started getting weird about my attendance at the gym. I go with all of his high school friends and I have invited him over and over again. He goes to Crossfit.
I made it a point this past year to be truly transparent with him even if it scared me. I told him a dumb story about someone at the gym and then he heard the story at a party from friends who go to the gym with me. Instead of asking me about it, he shut down. His friends were perplexed because they knew the story and all he had to do was ask to clarify. Then I went over the budget in August and all hell broke loose. He shut down for 8 weeks, I had to contact his brother because I was worried about some of the depression he was displaying. He stated that he couldnt do it anymore and the he felt unsafe. I stated that I did not feel safe either because he always checks out but that I have never tried to divorce him. We went to the therapist to do a trial separation right before Thanksgiving.
He did not want to do a therapeutic separation, just separate. We communicated when he would pick up and drop off the kids but he didnt want to try and date. I had him tracked for a month but there was no activity of other women. I suppose he could have had a one night stand prior to that or an emotional affair which are harder to detect. I asked him several times if he had someone else but he always denied it. Right before Christmas we saw the therapist and he stated that he did not see any hope. We fought and he cried. I tried to get him to do a 3 month trial separation and he got angry. The therapist later told me that he has never really tried and she was sad to see him go this route. He still sees her every 2 weeks but for his own stuff. Two weeks ago he filed and I was served today. I started DBing 2 weeks ago with the help of a coach named Chuck who has been a God send. I have done 180 and I have seen him notice behavioral changes. But he still served me. Chuck gave me pointers on how to approach him which has helped immensely. I talk to Chuck once a week. I feel more in control but of course get moments of desperation when I see my marriage slipping. Any success stories or advice is appreciated. I have read DR twice!!!!
Last edited by Cadet; 01/29/1809:51 AM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
