Kilo, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have time to write much now, but it seems there are some strange things about your situation. Your wife moved out, yet she comes to spend time with your family for hours per day. What's the advantage of spending money to live separately if she only sleeps there and spends the rest of the time at home? That doesn't make sense!
There are several approaches you could take. You could always let this situation continue for a while and follow the DB book to let her see how you're changing and doing fine on your own. Or you could seek a legal separation or some kind of enforceable separation agreement that puts in place financial and custody arrangements. Or you could always stop spending time with her and tell her you won't continue to spend time together like normal until she comes home and can commit to the marriage. I'm sure you'll get other opinions here too.
It's always nice to meet a veteran. I wasn't in the military but I worked on many US government contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan between 2004 - 2013. I lived in Baghdad between 2006 - 2008 and worked closely with US troops. My husband is Iraqi and we have a whole other set of issues which is now leading to a divorce that I'd do anything to avoid. I can totally see how you'd have PTSD and other issues stemming from your service and getting blown up. You can't go through all that and be disaffected. Plus going from war zone to staying at home with kids is like night-and-day. I struggle with that every day.
I hope this will be a short-lived situation for you and your wife. I hope it can be resolved so that she'll come home.
