Gordie #16: walking away from from MLC W

[Mach1]

Ginger and Job,

Thank you. I am surprised y’all are saying the same thing. What I would say today:

W—

I love you. I don’t want to be D and I am encouraged that you say you don’t want to be D now either. However, right now we are unhappily M and neither of us want that. We both have raised serious issues with our R that need to be addressed. If we keep doing the same things I am afraid we won’t address them and we won’t heal.

As you know, I have committed to an apartment in town and have decided that I will continue with my plan to move out later this week. Right now, I see this as the best way for us to rediscover one another, not as H and W and the roles we play, but as people. You told me you feel suffocated by me and M and I hope that this will give us both some breathing room.

After I move out, I want us to date one another exclusively and as you said “see what happens.” We can date platonically until such time that we both want something more. We can work on the romance and passion and not just fall back into old routines. We are different and we can rediscovwr one another.

My goal in all of this is for us to be happily married to one another. Two summers ago you said you wanted a new M with me. I want the same.

***

Maybe I should write this to her as a letter?

I am thinking more along....

W,

I hear you when you say that you want to see where this goes. And I am open to new beginnings, to see where things will land for us.

However, I feel that it is still in my best interest to proceed with moving out. My lease is for 12 months, and we can re-access things then. I would really like the chance to make things anew between us, and I prefer to think about moving, as a chance at us, rather than an ending to us.


with all of my love....

G

[bttrfly]

Argh, I am really torn about moving out.

Right where she wants you to be.....

^^^^ Yup. My thoughts exactly!

[bttrfly]

Gordie, she's not going to get past the "i'm moving out" part of the conversation, written or spoken. She also isn't going to be capable of comprehending something more than a few sentences long. I think Mach has given you a good blueprint: lead with what she wants to hear, building consensus, then tell her what she's hoping to avoid, then finish with a positive. Short, sweet, direct.

Good luck Gordie, and don't over-think it too much. What would you tell one of us, were we in your sitch?

xoxoxo

[bttrfly]

P.S. there's a reason we're all saying the same thing, dear heart oxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Gordie

Wow, a guy takes a weekend and your sitch ends up on its ear!

Something told me to log in this morning and looks like my name was dropped a few times ... again I am the ghost of MLC future.

Here is the thing my friend, I seen Mach dropped in out of the blue, thats a good thing for you he really has a way of flipping your perspective from her to you and it helps tremendously. Listen to him, take your time and answer the hard questions after your reflection.

Remeber when I told you my MLCr could not work on herself and the M at the same time .. I still think this rings true in your case. When mine had that awakening period there was a good deal of shame and remorse for what she did to me, the M and the family, so far I am not picking up on that from your W, so I ask the same question Mach did .... what does reconciliation look like to you ... does it look like getting back together with your mate with the undertones of "I'm not getting physical with you" (Although she pulled that card previously to try to get you back in line didnt she?)

Seems she is very much still in the manipulation phase of all this Gordie, you are in the middle of the much and can not see what many of us can now spot from a mile away. She knows you love her and knows you want to save the M at all costs so she is saying what she thinks you want to hear. Mine too 'dumped OM' only thing was thats not what happened, like Mach alluded to in her case OM was tired of being grilled about his cheating and went back to his W momentarily (MLCr contacted his W in attempts to blow that up under the guise of 'telling her the truth about her husband') I was to close and blind to see that, after a cool off period they restarted the affair on secondary phones no one knew about.

She needs to arrive to a place where she realizes there is a good deal of trust that has been demolished, its up to her to meet your needs for reconciliation and its up to you to figure out what you need vs what you want.

I will tell you this, when the mini awakening happended for me I thought I could get over the affair and all the betrayal that came with it .... what I learned is I never really dealt with that I simply put it in a box and shelved it thinking I had gotten over it when what actually happened is while attempting to work on the M I had to pull those boxes down and deal with the true feelings .. I wanted to punish her for what she did and make her pay for her actions that broke me. She would not be able to say she was sorry enough to satisfy me in my mind back then .... Seeing the damage she did I think she realized she was not up for that kind of work to save the M, nor was she working on herself so back in the tunnel she went.

Figure out what you want Gordie ... take the 12 months to do this. I would not state you are 'exclusively dating' her ... I would leave that out, she needs to win back her husband and trust for what she has done but first must figure out why she went off the rails .... she has to arrive at this place without your help. You can be supportive of all this from afar, as you too work on yourself and sort out how you really feel vs being so focused on saving the M, just try to put that on the shelf for now as you both do some mirror work.

[Gordie]

Ginger, Mach, butterfly, Cali,

I am scared. That’s the truth. Here’s the short version:

I want to start a new R with you. I think the best way to do that is to move out and date each other.

[Mach1]

I am scared. That’s the truth. Here’s the short version:

Scared of it working ??

Or not working ???

Cause at this point, I'm not sure which way you are leaning....

[Gordie]

Scared of doing the wrong thing. Scared of hurting my kids. Scared that w and I won’t be able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Scared of staying. Scared of going. Scared of doing nothing. Scared she’ll think I am giving up and bailing on her just at the moment she was taking a step towards me.

[Gordie]

Cali—what you describe about your internal struggles over her affair. Yes! I can see that happening to me exactly as it happened to you. And I see in the piecing threads the struggle. She has no idea how much she hurt me. And she says I have no idea how much I hurt her. So how do these two hurting parties ever work things out?

Agree that she needs to get healthy...it’s the without my help part with which I struggle. I know. I didn’t break her. I can’t fix her. I know.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - It takes a brave man to be one who can see his fear and name it.

One thing to keep in mind as you are seeking for answers is that this is a community of people who aren't professional therapists, and who have pretty much universally not been able to save our own marriages. With that said, we do have the perspective of our varied but similar experiences and see in your situation things where we can draw parallels from our own experience and from those who we have witnessed.

You have an incredibly tough set of decisions to make. The biggest of your life and you have to make them yourself. I believe that you have multiple sources of input, professional, spiritual, and community - both online and IRL. You are overwhelmed with the magnitude of your decision and the information that is available to you.

Much of that information isn't positive, especially for the short term situation. You love your wife, that goes without saying and would do anything for her and have gone above and beyond what most men would do.

If you read back in some of the advice that Jack_Three_Beans gave me I think back in my Phantom Cyclist threads, he is of the opinion which you've heard here many times that your wife will need to go through her own path on her own which leads who knows where. I wish Jack was here to help guide you, like he did me. He was one of the few who walked with me who did in fact build a new marriage albeit from what I understand, it had difficulties. Once a union is torn asunder I can imagine that it would be difficult to rebuild.

On other forums where I visit which are not as positive about reconciliation, they talk about reciprocity and how the unfaithful spouse has to prove to the faithful one that they are willing to commit heart and soul to their mate in order to have any chance of healing. They also talk about how rare that is.

These are forums of self-selected people though with their own particular view points. I hope you have talked with counselors such as are available here. But. It all comes down to you, your own choices and what you are willing to both sacrifice and to accept.

No matter your path, we are all universally behind you #TeamGordie