We had a nice chat about what we missed from our M (he was also M, and his partner also had an A. His D was 7 years ago though).
Anyway, I said it was quite hard for me to talk about, as it had been overshadowed by by last 5 years of behaviour. But I answered genuinely, and welled up a bit talking about it. He said that it was OK for me to be a bit upset, as it had obviously been important and meant something to me. He said he would have been more concerned if I hadn't had that reaction.
We've done a few things together that a couple of years ago I never thought I would ever do (hello, rock climbing?!!). He's a very naturally physical person, with great confidence and ease in his physical self. Me, not quite so much. It goes a more circular route with me, involving my head. Once I understand it in my head, and break it down and practice the moves individually, I can assimilate it and do it.
We went back to the rock climbing yesterday. I was finding a few things difficult, including the height, so he gave me a few pointers. It felt really lovely. And I was able to get to the top of three climbs with ease and without being frightened by the height at all.
I've never let anyone help me like that before, and it felt really good. I told him.
This feels like a partnership. This feels like a relationship of equals. I told him that too. He said he feels the same way.
I told him that I felt I had been second best in my M (which was true: second best to alcohol, second best to OW plural, particularly in the last 5 years). I now know that I had also allowed myself to be second best, which was my mistake.
He said that he had put himself second to his W in their M. She had been the ambitious, striving one and he said that he was happy to take a back seat to that, but hadn't put his own needs forward enough.
It's interesting, having gone through all of this sheds **a totally** different light on Rs (including the one that you have with yourself). There's a depth and stillness, and gentleness and appreciation, that I never imagined even existed.
It's probably also heightened by the chaos that's preceded it all, and I can see how intensely adrenaline fuelled things were..and that just seemed like normality to me!
No wonder my physical self went into overdrive with the stress of it all.
