You guys are all so great. I love it, and I love you all. Thank you. It's true, sometimes you get so close to a sitch you can't see the real progress. Or you can see it, but it feels like less than what it is because of the hurt.
I'm feeling much better today. H again showed me yesterday just how important it is to him to be with me. He loves my company. He tries to play it off like it's not love, just friendship. So what? Isn't it great to be M to someone you are friends with? Isn't that the ultimate goal of many people? He's alternately told me recently that he thinks I'm pretty and sexy, and that we're just friends and I feel like a sister. Huh?
When I put it like that, it makes less sense to me than when I hear him say it. Hello. Earth to Rottz. Sounds like the babblings of a confused man, doesn't it?
Anyway, he asked me to meet him after work for motorcycle shopping. He told me the other day with tears in his eyes how important it is to him that I am supporting him in shopping for his bike, despite the fact we can't afford it right now.
I kind of feel like he is a bit crazy. But, I support him because I love him. He cried until he got his expensive muscle car that we could barely afford. Then, with two car payments already, to relieve his guilt, convinced me to buy a car I can't afford. Now, with three car payments (Still haven't found a buyer for our other car, which is just a really good commuter car) and an empty floor on our rental house, he is looking for a motorcycle.
OK...?!?!?!?
Anyway, last night he went upstairs to work on the empty apartment and I went to bed early. This trim spa keeps me up if I take it too late, and I was being kept up last night. Kind of crazy feeling. He came down and laid in bed next to me. I was wired and bounced around a bit, and he dragged me over to him to hold me still and said "stop being so darn cute all the time." I said "I can't help it, I was born this way. It's innate." He just looked at me like I was crazy, then kissed my forehead and held me. I left the room later and came back and pretended to be ready to pounce on him like a cat. Which led to a tickle fight, which led to ML. So, yay, I'm back in the saddle, so to speak.
He held me for a bit. Then turned his back to me. This is a confusing and disturbing new trend. He sleeps with his back to me, and he never used to do that. We always swap off holding each other.
Now, it seems like whenever I make progress in one area, he throws another curve ball at me. Why do I feel like he is emotionally trying to shut off from me again when he does this?
Oh, who knows. Who cares? With my DB ability and my BB friends, this too shall pass. Right?
