Rott,
I just had to reply because I feel like you are SO much in the same emotional place as me at the moment. I want to give you the perspective that I can't have on my own sitch.
There are SO many positives here, please do not give up.
You have been doing an amazing job, I can tell that H loves you. You may well be right about the control thing, if he controls the things that are important to you -- ML, holding hands, kissing -- it probably means that he doesn't want to go back to a place where he perhaps felt utterly hopeless before. Obviously you are a strong person, and he has figured out a (bizarre, yeah, but effective in its own way) strategy to have some control. The positives you mention are REAL, girl. Take a few days, lick your wounds, don't decide anything when you are in an emotionally reactive mood. Concentrate on some other things that make you feel good (not to do with H), and THEN you can allow yourself a little thinking time. For now, just take a breather and get out of Emotion Zone. I tell you true:
I see so many positives. Don't give up now when you've made so many strides and gotten so close.
And thank you so much Azure. You and Christine just saved me. She posted that you can't take anything personally, and then your post is so great.
Lick my wounds, I will do that. Thank you. I feel so much relief that I want to cry. I am so happy you see positives. You're very right, I am very emotional, which is a difference from feeling in control like I have been.
Great suggestions, and I really, really appreciate your words. Thanks for taking the time. There are so many great people on this BB, it's such a blessing to have it at times when we are in such need. I absolutely will not give in, I have come so far. Thank you for giving me strength - I will sit on this and reconsider it when I am less emotional.
I am glad Azure wrote that and that you read Christine's post. I want to add to these.
Rottz, don't start LISTENING to his words NOW! Remember believe NONE of what they say... Your H is hanging onto some control like Azure says. D nor react to it. keep your eyes on your destination. let him drag YOU there.
BTW, sure meet him for lunch. My question is this...built any mystery lately?
Maya, I have been so gung ho to move forward, that there is no mystery about me. As much as I believe in the power of mystery, we've been joined at the hip lately. Before the bomb, H and I were best friends and lovers, as well as married. Well, the lovers part kind of waned. Part of our problem, I think. We are right back to doing everything together. We really enjoy each other's company, but I know that's not good. He has no opportunity to miss me or wonder what I am up to. Or think maybe I am having more fun without him. What's to miss or worry about when I'm always right there with him.
It's so hard when whenever I walk in the room, he smiles and lets me know he's happy I'm there... makes me want to spend more time with him, not less.
Well, you're right in your aim, that's for sure. I was getting great results when I was going out after work with friends. That's the time H went from saying he "didn't care" about me to constantly questioning me about the men I was out with.
I didn't want to push the jealousy thing for sure. It was enough to find out he cared enough to be jealous.
The problem is that I don't have any friends that aren't his friends. Hard to create mystery when all my friends were his friends first. I was thinking about joining a mountain biking club but was afraid. I wasn't sure I was in good enough shape for that. However, after going away with H to mountain bike and finding out what "hard" is, I know I'm capable. Maybe it's time to join...
Great idea. It will build your PMA and that is ALWAYS great for us. And remember it does not take much to build the mystery. You can always go out alone...will he know that? NO. Go have a few hours at Borders. Go see a flick. Just do not be accountable 100% of the time.
Quote: Then, before bed, I flippantly asked “If you won’t ML to me, does that mean I can go out and find someone who will? I do need some sex, you know.” He quickly and adamantly said “NO.”
Okay, so we know that there just might be some payoff to making him jealous. That's good.
Quote: You're so funny. I do go and spend a few hours at Borders and just read. And don't tell him.
Now - get all dolled up when you do this, and come home smelling of Old Spice
Hi Rottz, I just now got a chance to check up on you, it's been such a crazy day. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time....when we tumble, we really do it, don't we. guess that's why it's called the roller coaster. I still see so many positives for you.....I second what everyone else has said about taking some time lick your wounds and regroup and not making any decisions when you are so emotionally charged....and for sure about not believing what they say....remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....he doesnt act like a guy who sees you as his sister to me.......gotta go, will check in with you tommorrow. Hang In!
Quote: Now - get all dolled up when you do this, and come home smelling of Old Spice
Ellie, you make me smile!
I'd say rottz that what you are feeling are in the norm. Seems to me you can't see the forest for the trees! Sometimes we need other people to let us know there are baby steps, being close to the sitch we don't see them!
Keep working on you, right now he just needs you near him. He too has to work on some issues. If he is like my H, a friendship comes first the sex is somewhere toward the bottom. Don't take his refusal so personally, sometimes they are only testing us, to see if we will run.
Keep busy, find new hobbies or pick up old ones. Be the gal your H first meet, work on you.
I'd say things are looking great, hang in there, this is a long journey!
You guys are all so great. I love it, and I love you all. Thank you. It's true, sometimes you get so close to a sitch you can't see the real progress. Or you can see it, but it feels like less than what it is because of the hurt.
I'm feeling much better today. H again showed me yesterday just how important it is to him to be with me. He loves my company. He tries to play it off like it's not love, just friendship. So what? Isn't it great to be M to someone you are friends with? Isn't that the ultimate goal of many people? He's alternately told me recently that he thinks I'm pretty and sexy, and that we're just friends and I feel like a sister. Huh?
When I put it like that, it makes less sense to me than when I hear him say it. Hello. Earth to Rottz. Sounds like the babblings of a confused man, doesn't it?
Anyway, he asked me to meet him after work for motorcycle shopping. He told me the other day with tears in his eyes how important it is to him that I am supporting him in shopping for his bike, despite the fact we can't afford it right now.
I kind of feel like he is a bit crazy. But, I support him because I love him. He cried until he got his expensive muscle car that we could barely afford. Then, with two car payments already, to relieve his guilt, convinced me to buy a car I can't afford. Now, with three car payments (Still haven't found a buyer for our other car, which is just a really good commuter car) and an empty floor on our rental house, he is looking for a motorcycle.
OK...?!?!?!?
Anyway, last night he went upstairs to work on the empty apartment and I went to bed early. This trim spa keeps me up if I take it too late, and I was being kept up last night. Kind of crazy feeling. He came down and laid in bed next to me. I was wired and bounced around a bit, and he dragged me over to him to hold me still and said "stop being so darn cute all the time." I said "I can't help it, I was born this way. It's innate." He just looked at me like I was crazy, then kissed my forehead and held me. I left the room later and came back and pretended to be ready to pounce on him like a cat. Which led to a tickle fight, which led to ML. So, yay, I'm back in the saddle, so to speak.
He held me for a bit. Then turned his back to me. This is a confusing and disturbing new trend. He sleeps with his back to me, and he never used to do that. We always swap off holding each other.
Now, it seems like whenever I make progress in one area, he throws another curve ball at me. Why do I feel like he is emotionally trying to shut off from me again when he does this?
Oh, who knows. Who cares? With my DB ability and my BB friends, this too shall pass. Right?
I feel so much relief that I want to cry. I am so happy you see positives. You're very right, I am very emotional, which is a difference from feeling in control like I have been.