Now go away or I will taunt you a second time

[LoisB]

It's been awhile since I've posted. Thought I'd check in :-)

SIX years since BD!

MY kids are AMAZING. I'm so proud of my girls. My oldest, who had such a hard time through these past five years or so, is on her own, seeing an awesome counselor, building a life, staying sober. I'm so proud.

Youngest just went to her first formal dance. Has some great friends and her own small biz babysitting dogs.

Most of all, they are happy and laugh a lot.

I've got these two strong young women, who are blowing me away. I was so worried with their ability to recover. But, we made it.

Matt is still clean. Going on five months. He took a job, where he is drug tested. He works a pretty insane schedule, alot of night shifts. He checks in with all of us daily. We have a group text. He gets particularly chatty on his all-nighters. Youngest loves it. She loves everyone talking as a family. Oldest comes as goes. There's no pressure. Both girls find him annoying, and he is. Trying really, really hard to fit into a really tight-knit group.

It's been very strange having nice Matt back. He's may be nicer than he was before? The support has been pretty weird. Last night, our youngest had a panic attack at the beginning of the dance--Aspergers reaction to noise and crowd. We all coached her through it, and she was able to get past it and have a good time. I think it meant a lot to him to be a part of an actual family situation again.

He's also been sending me money to help with things like our dog's recent cancer surgery. She's fine now, but paying off the surgery.

Anyway, taking it slowly. None of us ready to be together in person yet. Not sure if I want a relationship, as in a romantic relationship with him again. I'm not sure I can see him that way? He did a lot of terrible stuff.

I do, however, feel like we've reached a point, where it's okay to accept him in our lives again. I'm trusting my gut. Today, he feels safe. Today, I can accept that this is our family, no matter how weird it looks and no matter how different from what I hoped for. We have a connection to each other. And, the girls are perfectly capable of handling him now on their own. In fact, he's been really brave sticking it out through their gauntlet.

When I feel some resentments building up, or old anger, I have some close friends who are recovering addicts to remind me... One Day atta Time. His sobriety is the first priority right now. There's no possibility of anything else until he's sober at least a year.

Interesting Points for those earlier on in this journey:

-OW means nothing now. Not sure she ever did. He doesn't remember calling her his soulmate. "We have nothing in common. We did drugs together. She isn't the smartest and sorta annoying."

"I said a lot of stuff out of pain. I was hurting and trying to hurt everyone else."

-OW means nothing to ME. This has been HUGE for me. I was so obsessed about her. I feel nothing where she is concerned. Not threatened, not angry, NOTHING. She was a sad predator, who took advantage of someone who was really broken. He allowed her to invade our lives. But, today, she really means nothing.

-It wasn't all wine and roses. In fact, it wasn't ANYTHING like I imagined. He described his Thanksgiving. He had dinner alone for $10 at a buffet. Honestly, I think this has sorta been his life for the past several years. He describes a life of work, drugs, loneliness, isolation, sitting in this chair I let him take from the house and watching movies. I remember he talked a lot about movies early on after he left. I think watching movies alone played a big part of his down time. ALONE ALONE ALONE. What he describes, even with OW, is alone.

-Missed his family throughout, but didn't have the ability to fix all the damage he had done. He also described this deadness. He was like a zombie.

-I don't think he even knew where to start to make it back. He describes a fog, where he just put one foot in front of the other. He also describes being very easily led by OW and his family--all of whom were pushing him to "follow his heart." He has cut off his family from his life since he quit using.

-He appreciated my staying in touch. I would text him from time-to-time and ask how he was. Give him a little of what was going on with the girls. Not over the top, but just enough to let him know, "We are here. We care about you. Take care of yourself."

Not sure if this will last. Kinda have a feeling though, the partying isn't something he wants to return to. However, it's hard to know if the issues that caused all this could return. It's too early to predict. Okay with daily interaction. Love having nice Matt back. But, not sure I'd ever want to live with him again, and focused on my life and my business.

The girls have made it clear, that in order to come visit us, he needs some counseling in addition to getting clean. None of us are prepared to return to Crazytown.

I'm loving having a state line as a boundary from him and my family. It's made such a difference in our lives to be able to live in a place without the constant memories and threat of seeing someone who might stir up pain.