So... I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like I ducked up. I also feel like I did the right thing and I only feel like I ducked up because of XWs rage. I don’t know what to think anymore TBH. A years worth of this make me question myself all the time. I’d appreciate some honest feedback.
Do my best. Dealing with rage is one of my issues too.
Cupcakes at school were awkward. XW texted me with lots of exclamation points beforehand demanding to know what I was bringing. I didn’t respond to those texts. D was happy, XW kept trying to (positively) engage me but I said a total of five words to her the whole time I was there.
So far so good
Left school and went to my C appointment. I felt good when I was done with that and GF was actually next door (her mother was buying a car) so I got to have lunch with her and her parents. GF and I leave lunch and are driving to my house. It’s about 3:45. We’re a mile from my house and I see XW and D. No idea why she would be there. XW would have gotten D by 3:10 and where XW was parked is between school and my house and not the way she would normally drive home.
Set up hijack move.
I don’t stop. My phone rings and it’s D asking me to come back and see her. I explain that I can’t, that I love her, and will see her on Sunday.
Right approach, you avoided a set up for triangulation.
D is clearly upset but I tell her to have a good time with mommy. Then the texts start. Typos are hers not mine I’m copy pasting.
Thank you this is helpful
XW: EastTN I don’t care if you were GF if you were the [censored] president you don’t do that baby like it
Word salad. At this point disengage, turn your phone off. This is a sign of decompensating and deterioration. Never engage with word salad.
Me: You may have noticed that I never involve GF in your parenting time.
No need to explain, she is not listening.
Also short visits like that can cause D to get upset.
She knows this that's why she does it. Then she will blame you.
Enjoy your weekend.
XW: I know it upsets her more the fact that you couldn’t stop for two seconds to give her a hug and GF could keep her ass in the truck just saying that is a sorry ass excuse! do not even
Set up
XW: She seen you I didn’t I could care two shits about GF but when this baby wants to see you for two seconds to get a hug and say hey the least you could do is act like she is here instead of making that one that’s in your passenger seat right now more Important I do not appreciate D getting upset because she seen you and you can not even stop and wave at her or say hi to her or anything that is a sorry ass excuse. Don’t even try to say it’s because you have GF with you because it’s taking away my parenting time it’s not if she wanted to see you I would bring her to see you but no someone is far more important As soon as you don’t have D around. Get your priorities straight! You are not in the right with this that’s for sure!
yes, it's a set up to spoil your R with your gf. It's a triangulation position D or gf?
Me: Feel free to drop her off and I’ll keep her the weekend. I know who the most important person In The world is and that’s D. And that means she gets to have her time with you on the weekend. Without me. Without anyone from my life that could be confusing to her especially given your living situation. No matter how much I might want to see her.
You took the bait.
Please do not text me back unless D needs something.
You have no control over exW. How about I am switching off my phone now instead.
XW: How dare you bring up my living situation it is not a situation it is a relationship and OM loves her more than I would’ve ever thought possible at least he is not afraid of a seven -year-old that would not hurt a fly like that little Miss priss GF that’s in your seat right now. You say that D is more important but you not even waving at her or stoppingand telling her that you cannot come back to see her shows her Who is more important that’s why I’m telling you what you did Just now was not OK that is a sorry ass excuse do not bring up who I live with or how I live to justify how you just hurt that Ds feelings! Period!
If you had turned off your phone, this would have stopped this short. This is in your control to stop by ceasing engagement.
XW: Now take your poor excuses and sit on them this weekend while D is upset and mad and I make her feel better bc she seen how you did her! I sure do hope when GF is around and you have D you don’t do her that way!
And later, when D would normally call:XW: Normally I’d make D call you but I just asked her and she said you make her feel bad. So I’m sorry I will not make her tonight
sadly she will do this. Don't give her the opportunity to rage. Disengage.
So... am I an ass? Did I screw up? Have I done the wrong thing? I don’t feel like I can tell sometimes anymore. Is she right? I’m not looking for validation here just honesty. I feel like trash again.
this stuff is the hardest to deal with. It's a set up. So disengage with W. When you see them on the road, Wave cheerfully and drive on. Turn your phone off. Those are my thoughts.
V
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Thanks very much for the support and advice. I feel stupid for engaging, but at least I'll say that what I posted above is ALL I said. The only button she can push these days seems to be "I think you're a bad father" and even though that's not true, it still pushes me to respond. I'd like to think that this is enough to get me out of that mode for good.
I felt better when I woke up the next day. I knew there was no good response, that ANYTHING I did in that situation would have been wrong, and strangely that made me feel better.
I'm going to talk with both my C and my L about what steps to take, here. I've "known" that she's been alienating, but my strategy has been "be the sane, stable one" and that doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I've started reading up on what to do as well.
Quote:
Just reading her posts, and I don't mean this to sound offensive, but she sounds either highly unstable, or highly uneducated, as if you would see her on Maury.
A good friend of mine told me, "This is what you get for marrying someone who has been on Jerry Springer." I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. By the time I found out about that bit of her past, I was highly invested emotionally in both her and D, and went along with the "I just did it for the free trip and the money, all of it was fake" explanation.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
