Thanks all. I appreciate all the input. It helped me formalize a plan.
I hear you Heather. That battle is a big one and ugly one. I am hesitant to drag my kids through it and I feel they are old enough to begin to have more input very soon.
We told the kids. H woke S14 up at 8AM to do it. Was that really necessary?
The worst is he told them to think about how they react to all this as they'll be men someday. Awful. He also said they're old enough to handle this. Terrible.
He told them the reason he wants D is marriage is to show them an affectionate relationship where a man and a woman hold hands and hug and the man holds doors for the woman. (Can't he do all that? And is that really what marriage is about?!? What about upholding your vows and working at it? Bizarre.)
He told them he's had to stay in that small room and he's not that kinda guy; he's a "big personality." (No one locked him in there and he's been a wallflower since 2012.) He said he could keep living in there for the next 6 years until S12 left for college but then I'd end up all alone and so he was doing this all for me. (Later s14 said I better not have a boyfriend and I am sure the seed was planted from this bizarre comment.)
After I said my part: I did not want this for our family, I love and support you, your school won't change, your rooms are here; I am here to listen to all you have to say and accept all that you feel, etc.
When I was done h said he didn't want this either. S14 said: so what are you doing it then?
The kids went off to process alone. Later they came out to my room--their safe haven all these years. They ate pancakes in my bed. They started to talk in dribs and drabs. They are shocked. I overhead them saying there was no reason h had to stay in that room all the time.
H tried to talk to them. They were polite but asked him to leave them alone. KML is right in that they didn't feel safe discussing it with him. They showed me anger and sadness and shock. I validated. They asked when I found out and I said just days ago.
H left.
As for me? I feel relief. The anxiety of it all was weighing on me. It's time for him to go to his greener pastures.
As always, I am thankful to you all. Special thanks for the advice you gave me to move along like he wouldn't wake up.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
