Gordie #16: walking away from from MLC W

[bttrfly]

*****NEWS FLASH***

Well, she did the two things I didn’t expect: (1) she withdrew the D complaint and (2) she dropped OM2.

Keep the divorce agreement in your bureau under your socks. I remember our mediator saying that clients of his had decided NOT to divorce, but kept their mediation agreement in their sock drawers anyway, and it worked for them.

Good: She says being D will not make her life better. Things will be worse for her and the kids. She agreed to go to therapy for her issues.

Well at least she's got enough sense left to see that!!!

Bad: She still blames me for the breakdown of our M and she has no remorse about anything. She is still angry with me.

Right. There's the rub.

Ugly: She doesn’t know how she feels about me but is willing to work on things to “see what happens”. She doesn’t want a physical R with me right now.

Oh, I would NOT say that's ugly. I would believe that to be absolute truth and KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS AT ZERO. She is still very uncertain about everything. Forgive me, she seems to be playing fast and loose here - there's a real power struggle and sex is the commodity. No, I don't think it ought to work that way, but again, I've not been in this situation. That could mean I'm neutral and dispensing good advice or that I'm out in left field picking dandelions and am clueless.

I told her I was surprised and happy but didn’t want to make assumptions about what this meant. I reiterated that I can’t stay M or living together if there are any other parties involved. She says she knows this as I’ve said it repeatedly.

That's the point, isn't it. You've stuck to your guns and she's suddenly dropped the divorce complaint and the man she was set to marry 4 months ago is suddenly shown the door?

Gordie, if I came to you and laid that out what would you say to me?

I also respected her wish not to sleep together at this time but that I also don’t believe in loveless, sexless M.

YOU respected HER wish not to sleep together ... that's rich. Who was it that crawled into your bed not too long ago, WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP???? Suddenly you're respecting her wishes not to sleep with her? How did that table turn so quickly? She seems to use sex as the red herring to deflect from her bad behavior or as the weapon to get you to do what she wants you to do.

Do you see what I mean here?

Other notes:

She did not like my answer earlier this week about love being a choice and M being a commitment. She said that’s where we are so far apart. That I see M as a duty and she sees it as romance and passion.

Since when does commitment = duty?

Ok, when I was 17 or 18, young and romantic I thought of marriage as romance, passion, love - all those wonderful things. And now at 53, and still a romantic (albeit somewhat disappointed) I think of marriage as romance, passion, love, AND HARD WORK, commitment as in, there's no one else I'd rather share life's ups and downs with. DUTY isn't in there. I suspect it's not in there for you either. But it IS for her. Pay attention to that!!!

She also didn’t like that I didn’t “stand up for her” with D1.

Poor Princess. Daddy didn't take her side. Sorry that was a cheap shot, but really. She makes a mess and expects you to clean it up? No. Yes, parents need to present a united front on certain things, like curfews, allowances, behavior of the child that is and is not acceptable, house rules. NOWHERE should ANY parent be expected to back up a cheating spouse.

So what should I do now?

**I would schedule an appointment with your DB Coach, stat.

**I would contact a marital mediator, if there is one in your state and ask for a list of good marriage counselors who have a track record of success

**I would still move out. Absolutely and without question.

**I would tell her this:
-Our old marriage is dead
-If we are to be successful it will need to be a new relationship
-We each need to work on our own individual issues, separately
-We need to go to marriage counseling
-Wife, you want romance and passion, well, then let's date and see what happens.
-During this time of dating, the rules of engagement are that you will not expect her to sleep with you, BUT, you also expect that neither of you will be sleeping with nor seeing other people. That this will be an exclusive non-physical relationship where you both are going to explore what's left of your relationship and "see what happens"

Gordie, I'd like to say that this is a great and wonderful positive step but I'm not sure that it is. I'm also not sure that it isn't. I think she has a ton of work to do on her end, and it really remains to be seen if she's up to the task.

I'm sorry, friend. I'm pretty sure that's not what you wanted to hear. I don't think all hope is lost, but ... much work is left to be done here. Do not derail your plans for this. As someone pointed out, we don't know the truth of it, did OM2 dump her waffling @$$? She still sounds very young to me, and she's truly not done baking yet.

BTW, when was your scheduled move out date?