Hey all. I know this will probably seem like whining. I have made so much progress and I should be happy. Many others wish they have made the progress I have already.
However, after last night, my PMA is teetering and I don't know which direction I should go. Should I take the last of my hard earned savings and hire a telephone counselor again? Should I seek a local counselor? Maybe someone here can help me and give me some outside sight.
All weekend long, H and I have been getting along great. We haven't ML in going on two weeks. He says he just doesn't have the desire. He is very cuddly when we are in bed together, loves to hold me. Has told me I look good many times... the best part was Saturday...
Saturday night after we got home from dancing and drinking with friends, he squeezed my hand three times. That was our way of saying ILY in a crowded room. We were in our car and had just pulled into our driveway. I squeezed him back three times, and he said "yup, that's what that means." As if to tell me that he had meant to do it. So, in a round about way, he said that he loves me. YIPEE!!!
Well, no ML that night, but it was 3am and he held me tight all night long.
Memorial Day, yesterday, he wanted to go out with his friend and I to see a movie. He asked if it was OK, and I said yes. Then he asked if I was just saying yes to make him happy. I said yes, I had hoped to get some work done around the house. He said "I'm supposed to take it and think it means more that you are doing something for me despite not being what you want to do. That it's a sign of love, like the tape said." (meaning the marriage breakthrough tapes.) I said yes, and was thrilled that he is taking some of what he learned on Michele's tapes and applying it in our M.
Then, last night, I am feeling really, really good. I hinted that I wanted to watch more of the marriage breakthrough tape, and he jumped right up and put it in. We're on tape 2 now. We watched about 20 mins of it. Got to the part where she asks the couples to decide quickly what they want to change in their R. I asked him and he said nothing, everything is great with us. I said the same and he asked why we are where we are now. (Meaning he doesn’t love me.) I said a bunch of reasons - I gained weight, paid no attention to him, he had an EA, etc... I said it didn't matter. What matters is that we change for the future and get back our love.
Then, I did it. I slipped up and screwed up royally. I told him that all I wanted was for him to realize that he can love me again. I thought we had made many baby-steps and were making great progress.
I pointed out that before he was cold towards me and didn't care if I lived or died. That he didn't want to spend any time with me. Now, we are ML often (until these past few weeks, anyway) and spending time alone, working on our friendship and R and I felt we are getting closer. He doesn't look at me with contempt in his eyes any longer, he is no longer seeing that girl he had his EA with. I named a whole bunch of things that make me think we are reconnecting. That he is doing loving things for me, etc.
Then I asked him why he won't hold my hand unless he's drinking or sleeping. He said because he feels like I am his sister and he can't stand the thought of holding my hand. That when we walk side by side, he hopes I don't take his hand because it would be so awkward. He can’t bring himself to kiss me or hold my hand or anything.
I asked if he remembered telling me he loves me. He said “What? When I squeezed your hand?” Like it meant nothing to him.
You guys, I'm dying inside at this point. I feel like everything we have accomplished was just flushed down the toilet. I feel like it's all been in my head. That he is not coming closer to me at all. That nothing has changed and why, oh why, did I take a temperature check?
What do I do? I just don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I feel like giving up and just leaving. I asked him if he wanted a D and he said he was in no hurry to D. So, that gave me hope. Like maybe he actually believes the love may come back.
But, in the meantime, I am so hurt. I now believe that he doesn’t love me at all. I had thought some feelings were coming back, and he just crushed those thoughts completely.
So, I began thinking maybe he just doesn’t want to get my hopes up. Maybe the whole hand holding (or not holding) thing is a control mechanism. That he wants to hold on to being in control of us. He’s not a control freak, but then again, everyone needs some amount of control.
He wants to meet me today at lunch and I just want to say no and run away. My wounds have been opened back up and I feel so raw right now. I want to hurt him back, I want to run away, I want to send him D papers through the mail and just forget all about us and the happiness we once had. Our hopes and dreams for the future.
What do I do you guys? Help me, I am hurting so much right now. I feel like asking him to read parts of my journal to show him how he has changed, to force him to admit that he is acting differently in our R now. It's like he doesn't remember feeling the way he did. He says he never didn't care about me. But, he told me that was how he felt before. He told me he didn't care. Then, he told me he did care and I took it as a babystep. He went from not caring to caring. But, now he says he never said that. Like I'm crazy or something. Is it possible he doesn't remember? That he doesn't see the babysteps because he's forgotten where he was before and is unable to compare it to where he is now?
I just don't know. I am so confused.
Then, before bed, I flippantly asked “If you won’t ML to me, does that mean I can go out and find someone who will? I do need some sex, you know.” He quickly and adamantly said “NO.”
I don’t know why I did that at all.
Help me. Anyone. I need advice. What do I do? I am ready to throw in the towel, but I don’t want to be a quitter. I am ready to just begin to not spend any time with him as if to punish him. Let him see what life is like without me. I want him to begin to need me and think “where is she? I miss her.” But, I don’t know if it’s just the hurt talking.
