hey Rottz, I'm really interested in how you do with the trim spa...I am so frustrated w/this plateau....but still, I've made big progress in 5 months ....there's that darn patience stuff again, huh?
Isn't it weird how they come close and then back off? it's almost like it scares them or something.......don't know if it will ever make sense!
Journaling here, and also looking for some direction. Any suggestions welcome. I’m beginning to flounder and hoping for some help.
Well, H has said that he is committing himself 100% to trying to work on our R. That's awesome, right? Right. Looking back at my posts in newcomers, in August of last year, he said he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He recently admitted to beginning an EA in September or thereabouts. (I think it may have been August, but I'm not arguing the point...)
In December, I was begging him not to D me during the holidays. He was barely hanging on.
In Jan and Feb, I instituted frequent R talks. He stared blankly, told me he was cold inside. Couldn't care if I lived or died. Didn’t want to make future plans even the next day with me.
Late Feb (2/28, exactly) I found DR and this BB. I began 180s and working on myself. He began to soften.
March, I discovered EA. He immediately made the decision to tell her to get lost and work on our M, but told me he didn't think he could ever love me again. He began to allow me to plan weekends away, and tried to be more available to me. I could tell he was trying, but it wasn’t sincere yet.
In April, I began to notice more frequent time together was going well. H didn’t want his late night rides “by himself.” He actually seemed to want to spend time together. Admitted I was his best friend and he didn’t want to lose me. I began to make him breakfast in the a.m. and he began to hug me more and spend more time with me and thanking me.
In May, we begin date night. Spending time alone, and he is more and more wanting to spend time with me. He begins to read “The Truth About Love” and watching Marriage Breakthrough with me. He is really trying, and although I can tell that some of it is an attempt to “do the right thing,” I also feel as if some of it has become sincere for him. He really does want us to get back to where we were. Even if he still doesn’t feel as if he can ever love me again, I think for the first time, he is actually letting it enter his mind that it is possible.
Here it is, almost June, and I have made a little progress recently, but not as much as I had hoped. After all, in the beginning, I was seeing HUGE baby steps almost daily. Then again, we were in such bad shape, that where could we go other than D or get better?
I feel like H has softened, but not as much as I had hoped. We ML frequently, but usually with me initiating it, unless he has been drinking. H has always been more LD than I, and actually thinks he may have hormonal issues now as he is getting older. (He’s only 37) He is purposefully doing nice things for me in return for the nice things I do for him. He is sticking up for me again with his children. He is talking about me again to his friends and including me in his plans and everyday life. When his friends asked if he wanted to go golfing, he asked if I could be the fourth.
I guess things are in a great position right now, I think I should be happy with what I have gained.
I also think I need to post my goals and baby steps again. Why? Because I noticed today that I am always kissing him on the cheek, but he never kisses me unless I ask for it. He hugs me frequently, and holds me at night. But, he won’t hold my hand or kiss me anymore, which used to be something he did constantly.
Anyone have any suggestions for me to get there? There being where I want to be… with him madly and passionately in love with me again!!!
What has worked in the past was backing off and giving him space, creating mystery and letting him remember that if he didn’t want me, someone would. However, that was before he admitted the EA and decided to work on our M and R. Now, he loves to spend time with me, and I have a hard time saying no to that. It’s kind of hard to create mystery when you are joined at the hip.
We used to have lunch together every day. Of course, his EA was with a coworker, but she works 2nd shift (gets in at 3) so it’s not like if he isn’t with me, he may be tempted to be with her. She doesn’t get in to work until he is done with lunch anyway. Now, we are golfing at lunch, and he invites me about 2-4 days a week, which is really nice again. More chances to DB, right? Or is it? Should I be turning him down? When we are together, we get along so well. But, no sparks for him yet. I want the sparks to come. I need to know that he is feeling sparks.
Goals: Short term 1. H will begin to kiss me more frequently without me asking 2. H will initiate ML more, without alcohol 3. H will begin to make more comments on my appearance as I dress up more and lose more weight.
Goals: Long term 1. H will kiss me passionately 2. H will hold my hands, and drive like he used to with his hands on my knee 3. H will say ILY
Now, I think it’s time to begin to post baby steps again.
This may be a little on the blunt side...but have you tried something "different" or "exotic" to get his attention? Change of hair color, interesting lingerie, that sort of thing. My H has always asked me to do that sort of stuff. At first I was a little hesitant, said it wasn't "me," but then it got to be more fun.
This may be along the lines of Too Much Information...hehe...but I got H's attention by catching him by surprise. He had made the statements that it just wasn't "there" anymore, he didn't see me sexually anymore even though I was beautiful, that sort of thing. So, one day, I went on lunch down to the lingerie store and bought a toy. Nothing fancy. Never used one before, never wanted to, although H kept asking. I was at work, so I sent him a simple text: "I bought something." We had been talking about it the night before, so he knew exactly what I was meant. He wrote back, simply, " " So I sent him another: "Want to try it out tonight?" I got the fastest response I have ever gotten from him!! He said "Yes" Then: "I think I love you."
Anyway...is there something he has mentioned as a big turn-on? I'm planning on dyeing my hair blonde in the next couple of weeks (it's very dark brown naturally), so that'll be a big surprise.
Hi Rottz, I'm not sure I'm a lot of help here, because as you know I'm trying to get the sparks flying as well....I like Nevanna's ideas..... and I can't help but wonder if some of it just takes time? Actually I just had a thought (scary as that can be) what about a change of location or something like that to catch him off guard? I guess I'm thinking this way because we're going on vacation in a couple of weeks to the mountains where we usually go....probably about 6 years ago, and I'm blushing as I type this, we snuck up a mountain off a hiking trail and ml. It was great....a few months ago when H was a little more in a romantic/open frame of mind than he seems to be right now, we were talking about that, I didn't even think he would remember, but he did. He didn't think I liked it, but I did, I was just scared to death! so anyway, I just had the thought that maybe some unusual, scary? location might stir up a spark?
hmmmmm, wonder if I could get my h to go on that kind of hike this year?
Thanks you two, those are great suggestions. Unfortunately, I have always been the adventurous one. We use toys, ML in semi-public all the time (woods, late at night on my neighbor's porch at my mom's condo, etc.), I wear pretty lingerie, tons of positions, am aggressive or passive, whatever. Like Deb's H, mine has said "all you think about is sex." Which is not true. Just most of the time.
I did buy a red-copper colored curly wig to wear at Halloween, and H mentioned how beautiful I was in it and seems interested in it mildly whenever it turns up in our room. I was thinking of wearing it in public and "picking" him up once. But, haven't found the time yet. Maybe I'll put it on tonight and see if it gets him going. I love my hair the way it is, H says it looks like a rainbow in the sunshine, so I don't intend to color it for good.
I recently bought some scarves and stuff for my toy box to play with H. We haven't done that yet, but he has seen the pop rocks and feather duster on my dresser, so he's commented that he knows what is coming. He just doesn't have a clue about the extent of what I have planned. It's just that whenever we ML, he tends to put his hands behind his head. So, I thought I'd tie them there. LOL
Basically, I think it's a combo of me being overweight, and H being a bit depressed about "falling out of love" with me. It's hard to be and act sexy when you feel like the Goodyear blimp. For years, we ML with my clothes on because I was so embarrassed. One of my 180s was to sleep naked with him, and it seems to be working out well. At least he hasn't done what I most feared and touched my stomach and been grossed out. Oh well...
Maybe tonight I'll get out the hot tea, ice cubes, Altoids and pop rocks and tie H to the bedposts. Tee hee hee...
Hey Rottz - Don't you just miss Dazed - he was so good at pulling us out of a funk I want to say just how much I LOVED the complete review of your sitch you did - doesn't the progress look AWESOME? I'm gonna do the same for mine.
Quote: Now, he loves to spend time with me, and I have a hard time saying no to that. It’s kind of hard to create mystery when you are joined at the hip.
I have exactly this problem. NG is even coming home at lunch time, so on an average working day, we are apart for no more than3-4 hrs, at weekends not at all. It is lovely, but I think I'll have to break away a bit more before one or both of us go bananas.
Reading the synopsis of your past year and all the progress, has GOT to give you some motivation to keep on keepin on. I really regret my h's moving out. It was the only possibility at the time and well, it will take me longer to get my h back...but he is GOING to come home.
You know that yours is moving closer and closer to you.You need to take a stand for yourself. I am in the same boat as you with my weight. I know that every extra pound is a lack of integrity to myself. Maybe our men will want us more when we tackle our weight issues, not JUST because we look better...but because of what it means about how we value ourselves....
Losing the weight will be as slow and tedious as the year of db'ing you just went through...but if we stick to it, all our babysteps can really mean something VERY spectacular....
Slowly and Maya, thanks for the support and encouragement. Maya, what you said about valuing myself - that really hits home. Thanks so very much. I will begin right now again to eat right and will go home tonight and complete my workout. Thank you very very much.
Hey all. I know this will probably seem like whining. I have made so much progress and I should be happy. Many others wish they have made the progress I have already.
However, after last night, my PMA is teetering and I don't know which direction I should go. Should I take the last of my hard earned savings and hire a telephone counselor again? Should I seek a local counselor? Maybe someone here can help me and give me some outside sight.
All weekend long, H and I have been getting along great. We haven't ML in going on two weeks. He says he just doesn't have the desire. He is very cuddly when we are in bed together, loves to hold me. Has told me I look good many times... the best part was Saturday...
Saturday night after we got home from dancing and drinking with friends, he squeezed my hand three times. That was our way of saying ILY in a crowded room. We were in our car and had just pulled into our driveway. I squeezed him back three times, and he said "yup, that's what that means." As if to tell me that he had meant to do it. So, in a round about way, he said that he loves me. YIPEE!!!
Well, no ML that night, but it was 3am and he held me tight all night long.
Memorial Day, yesterday, he wanted to go out with his friend and I to see a movie. He asked if it was OK, and I said yes. Then he asked if I was just saying yes to make him happy. I said yes, I had hoped to get some work done around the house. He said "I'm supposed to take it and think it means more that you are doing something for me despite not being what you want to do. That it's a sign of love, like the tape said." (meaning the marriage breakthrough tapes.) I said yes, and was thrilled that he is taking some of what he learned on Michele's tapes and applying it in our M.
Then, last night, I am feeling really, really good. I hinted that I wanted to watch more of the marriage breakthrough tape, and he jumped right up and put it in. We're on tape 2 now. We watched about 20 mins of it. Got to the part where she asks the couples to decide quickly what they want to change in their R. I asked him and he said nothing, everything is great with us. I said the same and he asked why we are where we are now. (Meaning he doesn’t love me.) I said a bunch of reasons - I gained weight, paid no attention to him, he had an EA, etc... I said it didn't matter. What matters is that we change for the future and get back our love.
Then, I did it. I slipped up and screwed up royally. I told him that all I wanted was for him to realize that he can love me again. I thought we had made many baby-steps and were making great progress.
I pointed out that before he was cold towards me and didn't care if I lived or died. That he didn't want to spend any time with me. Now, we are ML often (until these past few weeks, anyway) and spending time alone, working on our friendship and R and I felt we are getting closer. He doesn't look at me with contempt in his eyes any longer, he is no longer seeing that girl he had his EA with. I named a whole bunch of things that make me think we are reconnecting. That he is doing loving things for me, etc.
Then I asked him why he won't hold my hand unless he's drinking or sleeping. He said because he feels like I am his sister and he can't stand the thought of holding my hand. That when we walk side by side, he hopes I don't take his hand because it would be so awkward. He can’t bring himself to kiss me or hold my hand or anything.
I asked if he remembered telling me he loves me. He said “What? When I squeezed your hand?” Like it meant nothing to him.
You guys, I'm dying inside at this point. I feel like everything we have accomplished was just flushed down the toilet. I feel like it's all been in my head. That he is not coming closer to me at all. That nothing has changed and why, oh why, did I take a temperature check?
What do I do? I just don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I feel like giving up and just leaving. I asked him if he wanted a D and he said he was in no hurry to D. So, that gave me hope. Like maybe he actually believes the love may come back.
But, in the meantime, I am so hurt. I now believe that he doesn’t love me at all. I had thought some feelings were coming back, and he just crushed those thoughts completely.
So, I began thinking maybe he just doesn’t want to get my hopes up. Maybe the whole hand holding (or not holding) thing is a control mechanism. That he wants to hold on to being in control of us. He’s not a control freak, but then again, everyone needs some amount of control.
He wants to meet me today at lunch and I just want to say no and run away. My wounds have been opened back up and I feel so raw right now. I want to hurt him back, I want to run away, I want to send him D papers through the mail and just forget all about us and the happiness we once had. Our hopes and dreams for the future.
What do I do you guys? Help me, I am hurting so much right now. I feel like asking him to read parts of my journal to show him how he has changed, to force him to admit that he is acting differently in our R now. It's like he doesn't remember feeling the way he did. He says he never didn't care about me. But, he told me that was how he felt before. He told me he didn't care. Then, he told me he did care and I took it as a babystep. He went from not caring to caring. But, now he says he never said that. Like I'm crazy or something. Is it possible he doesn't remember? That he doesn't see the babysteps because he's forgotten where he was before and is unable to compare it to where he is now?
I just don't know. I am so confused.
Then, before bed, I flippantly asked “If you won’t ML to me, does that mean I can go out and find someone who will? I do need some sex, you know.” He quickly and adamantly said “NO.”
I don’t know why I did that at all.
Help me. Anyone. I need advice. What do I do? I am ready to throw in the towel, but I don’t want to be a quitter. I am ready to just begin to not spend any time with him as if to punish him. Let him see what life is like without me. I want him to begin to need me and think “where is she? I miss her.” But, I don’t know if it’s just the hurt talking.
" So I sent him another: "Want to try it out tonight?" I got the fastest response I have ever gotten from him!! He said "Yes" Then: "I think I love you." 
I want to say just how much I LOVED the complete review of your sitch you did - doesn't the progress look AWESOME? I'm gonna do the same for mine. 