When your wife does something nice w/o prompting from you or the kids, thank her. She needs to be recognized for these efforts. By doing so, it may go a long way towards her being nice and wanting "dad's" approval on other things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I have taken that approach to thank her whenever I see an opportunity to, but trying to not overdo it so that it seems like I don't mean it. I have noticed that she has thanked me more when I do things for her now.
Hey there Hispeed, just chiming in to let you know that your situation pretty much feels EXACTLY like the one i am in right now
Funny how many MLCers exhibit the same behavior to a tee and how the reactions of the LBSers are instinctively similar...
Anyway, I am not sure how affected the kids would be in your case, but one common theme i noticed here on the boards is that for men it is often the MLCer (the W) which moves out of the MH.
In my case it would be the opposite and it would be pretty much a given that SHE would be the one staying in the MH with our son and i'd have to move out.
Either way though, i am still pretty new at this game but i get the feeling you are on the right track with what you are doing, giving space, listening, not getting worked up/letting things escalate and be patient and work on yourself!
It's what i keep telling myself and some days it works, others not so much...
It got me when you mentioned that sometimes she comes to you for hugs, same here, and doesn't it weird you out kind of? I want to enjoy them but then i feel like i am hugging someone else/different, not the W i knew.
Hey Neutral, Definitely comforting in a way to see that many others have MLC spouses that behave in the same way. Comforting because for awhile I was believing everything my wife was spewing and taking all of the blame for the MR. From what I've learned, MLCers are going through a transformation and will be different than before undergoing it. Not all relationships survive obviously. I still believe I can love my wife, at this point at least, with the changes she's undergoing because she's the same person at the core that I fell in love with. Trying to stay strong and positive through this all.
She wanted me to move out after both BDs, but I felt like I made a reasonable attempt to make the marriage work and if she wanted to end the marriage, then she should be the one to move out. I'm glad I held my ground on this because when it came time to tell the kids, they were told that it was her decision to move out. She still complains and tries to give me guilt trips for being the one to stay in the home, which just kind of shows me that she's starting to get a taste of how it'll be to be divorced and not liking it. We'll see how it plays out.
Got drawn into a relationship talk by the W. It was a complete "old-brain" emotionally reactive argument, if you've read Deluca's "The Solo Partner". In hindsight, I did very little validating, except to hear her attacks and attack back . I may have setback things. She made sure to remind me that divorce is still on, and that she has no regrets getting her own place. All of this, because she didn't like what I was going to cook for dinner. I did text her after the argument apologizing for raising my voice, but made sure to not apologize for what I said. I slept maybe three hours that night because it affected me so much. I feel like I've been doing well detaching, as it was the first night of tossing and turning for me in the past month.
I like to try and look at positives in all situations(keeps me sane) and from this:
Hopefully, I gained a little respect from her during the argument, as I felt she was blaming me for the relationship. I made sure to remind her about her EAs and how I felt like she didn't try to make the R work.
She texted me afterwards that she was a terrible wife and is not perfect. I think this shows that she is admitting some fault in the MR, although it's also a reason for her to feel we're not meant to be and that she needs a D.
I expected her to reduce contact with me, but surprisingly she texted and called me more than usual the next day. I tried to be unconditional loving H in our exchanges. I think she may have expected me to continue being attacking and angry H from the night before.
The next day, I saw a face of her old self. She was at the MH and organized the kids's dressers(since I've been doing a bad job), did laundry (including mine), and cooked dinner for the kids. She hasn't done this much in one day for the family since BD2. I do feel, it's possible she feels guilty about the argument we had, and thus this behavior. But, I've been telling myself it doesn't help my behavior towards recon to take things negatively. Also, if her actions are more important than her words over those two days, then maybe I'm ok.
Love is doled out day to day, so going to let that bad day go and hope for more better ones ahead.
Hey FC, She's engaged me in talks about the past a few times since my last post. I've been much more calm, validating, while trying to be assertive with how I perceive things. We've been able to talk more calmly. I feel everytime she gets a little bit uncomfortable though, she'll bring up D. It's a little unsettling to hear her say it calmly vs. during a heated exchange, as in the latter I can partly chalk it up to her being angry. When she brings up her desire to D I simply say that I accept the way things are right now.
I've been keeping up with my kids' sports which keeps me busy. Coaching and attending games. They are doing so well in sports and in school. I want the M to work out so badly, as I fear D will throw them off in life.
She's actually doing things that I wished she would do prior to BD2, like helping out with the boys and attending their games more, being more financially responsible, and prioritzing the kids over her workouts. Areas where I may have been critical of her and had some resentment prior to BD2. It's like, why are you making the changes now that you want a D? I almost feel like she's rubbing it in my face, like you can't have this new and improved person. They are all positive things, don't get me wrong, but the kicker is she still wants a D.
Going to continue the unconditional love and fight to save the M.
Want to document that W volunteered that she's trying to focus on the good times of our M instead of the bad. Could be a good thing, could mean nothing. I didn't expect her to say something like that though.
W texted "I'm struggling finding balance living a life without you". I wanted to immediately tell her to move back in and let's work on things, but instead texted "I understand. Things have been a struggle for me too." Proceeding with caution, but this has given me some much needed strength to continue fighting for the M.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
. I may have setback things. She made sure to remind me that divorce is still on, and that she has no regrets getting her own place. All of this, because she didn't like what I was going to cook for dinner. I did text her after the argument apologizing for raising my voice, but made sure to not apologize for what I said. I slept maybe three hours that night because it affected me so much. I feel like I've been doing well detaching, as it was the first night of tossing and turning for me in the past month.