Journaling here, and also looking for some direction. Any suggestions welcome. I’m beginning to flounder and hoping for some help.
Well, H has said that he is committing himself 100% to trying to work on our R. That's awesome, right? Right. Looking back at my posts in newcomers, in August of last year, he said he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He recently admitted to beginning an EA in September or thereabouts. (I think it may have been August, but I'm not arguing the point...)
In December, I was begging him not to D me during the holidays. He was barely hanging on.
In Jan and Feb, I instituted frequent R talks. He stared blankly, told me he was cold inside. Couldn't care if I lived or died. Didn’t want to make future plans even the next day with me.
Late Feb (2/28, exactly) I found DR and this BB. I began 180s and working on myself. He began to soften.
March, I discovered EA. He immediately made the decision to tell her to get lost and work on our M, but told me he didn't think he could ever love me again. He began to allow me to plan weekends away, and tried to be more available to me. I could tell he was trying, but it wasn’t sincere yet.
In April, I began to notice more frequent time together was going well. H didn’t want his late night rides “by himself.” He actually seemed to want to spend time together. Admitted I was his best friend and he didn’t want to lose me. I began to make him breakfast in the a.m. and he began to hug me more and spend more time with me and thanking me.
In May, we begin date night. Spending time alone, and he is more and more wanting to spend time with me. He begins to read “The Truth About Love” and watching Marriage Breakthrough with me. He is really trying, and although I can tell that some of it is an attempt to “do the right thing,” I also feel as if some of it has become sincere for him. He really does want us to get back to where we were. Even if he still doesn’t feel as if he can ever love me again, I think for the first time, he is actually letting it enter his mind that it is possible.
Here it is, almost June, and I have made a little progress recently, but not as much as I had hoped. After all, in the beginning, I was seeing HUGE baby steps almost daily. Then again, we were in such bad shape, that where could we go other than D or get better?
I feel like H has softened, but not as much as I had hoped. We ML frequently, but usually with me initiating it, unless he has been drinking. H has always been more LD than I, and actually thinks he may have hormonal issues now as he is getting older. (He’s only 37) He is purposefully doing nice things for me in return for the nice things I do for him. He is sticking up for me again with his children. He is talking about me again to his friends and including me in his plans and everyday life. When his friends asked if he wanted to go golfing, he asked if I could be the fourth.
I guess things are in a great position right now, I think I should be happy with what I have gained.
I also think I need to post my goals and baby steps again. Why? Because I noticed today that I am always kissing him on the cheek, but he never kisses me unless I ask for it. He hugs me frequently, and holds me at night. But, he won’t hold my hand or kiss me anymore, which used to be something he did constantly.
Anyone have any suggestions for me to get there? There being where I want to be… with him madly and passionately in love with me again!!!
What has worked in the past was backing off and giving him space, creating mystery and letting him remember that if he didn’t want me, someone would. However, that was before he admitted the EA and decided to work on our M and R. Now, he loves to spend time with me, and I have a hard time saying no to that. It’s kind of hard to create mystery when you are joined at the hip.
We used to have lunch together every day. Of course, his EA was with a coworker, but she works 2nd shift (gets in at 3) so it’s not like if he isn’t with me, he may be tempted to be with her. She doesn’t get in to work until he is done with lunch anyway. Now, we are golfing at lunch, and he invites me about 2-4 days a week, which is really nice again. More chances to DB, right? Or is it? Should I be turning him down? When we are together, we get along so well. But, no sparks for him yet. I want the sparks to come. I need to know that he is feeling sparks.
Goals: Short term 1. H will begin to kiss me more frequently without me asking 2. H will initiate ML more, without alcohol 3. H will begin to make more comments on my appearance as I dress up more and lose more weight.
Goals: Long term 1. H will kiss me passionately 2. H will hold my hands, and drive like he used to with his hands on my knee 3. H will say ILY
Now, I think it’s time to begin to post baby steps again.
