Gordie Reading along .... I typed up a bit yesterday but nuked it as I sometimes am torn on what to say, what to share and there are times I know what I have to say is not necessarily 'standing for your marriage' but more standing for yourself and there are some lines I cross in my mind when thinking about what I should and should not share .... that given my respect for the site usually wins out my beliefs on M and saving one.
That said there are some topics I do want to chime in on, I agree with bttrfly and at this point almost forgot how hard it was separating out, when you have the kids its awkward without the spouse but you focus on the kids so its not to bad ... the tough stuff comes when its just you in that new place and you find yourself on the couch staring up at the ceiling trying to answer the "How the heck did I get here" question. My advice there is open up the GAL book and start knocking stuff out but even then this transition is a difficult one at best so just know that going in its tough .. all the emotions one can feel you will cycle through.
As far as the D goes ... I typed it out yesterday and nuked it .. but I do feel sometimes its best ... not that I am saying hey everyone rush on out to get divorced because I do not believe that. In my case I truly believe she needed it to move on and heal ... I also think after everything I actually needed it more. In my sitch I was already 'divorced' I just did not have it officially documented by the courts. Did it change anything, not really .. I still do what I have been doing for the past 2 years .. focus on my son and myself and try to improve every day. I will say that when it finalized I had a weight lift off me but that was more due to the court system and the unknown more than anything to do with her at that point. But even now I work on issues and triggers created by the crisis, however I do not look at these as things that happened to me I view them more as wonderful opportunities to become someone much stronger, wiser and generally better than the man I was before.
I think some MLCrs have to be divorced to close that door on "what can I do to make me happy" .... as sexist as this may sound I think the ladies need this more than the men who view the OP more as a physical outlet where the ladies seem to transfer the feelings/love from the LBH to the OM and its a real true 'relationship' to them, one that has an affair cloud over it all and they think that's whats holding them back from euphoria so if they were truly divorced then it will feel more natural and dare I say 'right' ... after that doesn't work it makes them realize 'nope that wasn't it either' and its on to the next thing they think they need to be happy or maybe just maybe the start doing some self reflection and work themselves out of the tunnels. (Just my observation there) Regardless there is a difference in the sexes when it comes to this.
So that being said D is not the end all ... even if you are where I am 4 years later you heal and get to a place that you hope they come out of the crisis not to save your marriage, but for them to be a better person for them, for the children and maybe even a better co-parent (hate that word still) to deal with. If the rock bottom and realize what they did and try to fix the damages then its in your court what you want to do ... no different than if she wanted to do that next month or next year its still up to you and what you want at this point. The advantage is all yours as you will know if she has done the work.
