Fighting my way out of the dark - Part 8

[Holding]

If you read the book Hold Onto Your Nuts it is all about establishing your non-negotiable items for yourself. If this is who you are as a person and it is one of your NUTS then don't change a thing.

Thanks for the suggestion. I'll pick this book up soon, since I've seen a lot of recommendations for it

Maybe it didn't work out with your STBXW but maybe you next R will be with a woman who was cheated on by her husband and those qualities would something she desires.

I can see that happening. But I want to be more than the "safe" guy. Once upon a time I settled for being that. Not any more.

The dark side of staying in a bad relationship are complacency, fear of change, fear of conflict, and fear of being alone.

Acc, you have a really great insight on things. Yes, guilty as charged. Except maybe not so much on the fear of being alone. I was never one who HAD to be in a R when I was younger. I went long periods without dating anyone, but I will admit I was LOOKING for someone.

As someone who has been divorced for several years now and has had new relationships, the benefit of divorce is that you learn it's completely survivable, so fear of change and fear of being alone are greatly diminished.

Personally I think that's why second marriage success statistics are worse than first marriage success statistics, people are simply less afraid to leave a second marriage that is not working for them -- assuming they've done the work, is that a bad thing?

That makes sense. I hope you're right. I'd like to think I'll have the good sense to use a better filter while dating this time, to make sure I pick a better partner. Maybe I shouldn't beat myself up too much for making a bad choice last time - 19 years is a long time.

It's tempting to see myself as somehow broken now and maybe not good enough to make a M successful. But ... I have earned the right to look myself in the mirror and say that I tried everything I could to save this M. That's what DB'ing has given me.

Although loyalty and commitment are great traits, I'd love to see you focus on getting comfortable with conflict, and being proactive about stating your needs and standing by your non-negotiables.

Yes, I do need to work on those. Not just in my R's, but in life in general.

You're doing great Holding, hang in there!

Thanks!